


Never Quite So Easy

by lea_ysaye



Series: Town & Country [3]
Category: Actor RPF, Norman Reedus - Fandom, Real Person Fiction, The Boondock Saints RPF, The Walking Dead RPF
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Headaches & Migraines, Het, Hurt/Comfort, Illnesses, M/M, Sickfic, Sickness, Whump, this is a sequel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-01
Updated: 2016-03-26
Packaged: 2018-05-24 05:17:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 27,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6142701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lea_ysaye/pseuds/lea_ysaye
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Norman and Lea are trying to find a way to make their relationship work, around their busy schedules, illnesses and heartache.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A word on chronology: I use rl events as inspiration but move them around to fit the story. 
> 
> This is an experiment. I don't usually write het, and I certainly don't write Mary Sues. But I wanted to give it a go. On purpose, to see what happens. :)
> 
> There might be a little sex later. I'm trying not to make the story cringe-worthy. The point is not to make the character based on me into the perfect woman. It's more a "Could he fall in love with an ordinary-ish person" sort of thing.
> 
> My real name isn't Lea, but I gotta call her something so that name will do nicely.
> 
> Let me reiterate: This is fanfiction. Not real. Made up. Not a manual on how to meet a celebrity either. I don't know Norman, or any celebs. Please remember where reality ends and fiction starts. And don't bite strangers. Ever.

“Let’s try this again! Norman, slow down a bit this time. Girls, make sure you stop before the camera, that last one was all wobbly and untidy. Jason, the noise on that bike’s fucking irritating. What gives?!”

Lea squinted over at the scraggly looking crew. Her mouth was full of sand, her eyes itched and she’d really had enough of this bloody desert. How they could stand it, riding in this heat, clad in leather from head to toe and with the helmets on all day she had no idea.

She thought she heard Norman cough as he struggled to turn the bike around and back up for another take of what was supposed to be the last shot of the last day. The cough sounded painful and Lea frowned. It was high time for this to be over.

The dust cloud the group was scaring up as they drove onto the dirt path was wafting in her direction, and Lea quickly retreated down the hill to where the crew vehicles were parked out of sight. She’d seen enough of the excitement of making a TV show, surely Norman wouldn’t mind if she waited for him in one of the air conditioned Jeeps.

As Lea advanced toward the cars Leticia, Jason’s wife, glanced up from where she was sitting in the shadow of one of the three vehicles. She had packed up her sensitive photography equipment a long time ago. It wasn’t worth risking the lenses in this dusty hellhole. Leticia had mainly come along to document the Babes Ride Out group’s involvement with Norman’s show, but today she seemed just as keen as Lea for it all to just be over.

“They almost done?”

“I don’t know,” Lea sighed and sank onto the blanket next to Leticia, finding a water bottle in a cooler under the Jeep and taking a big swig, which she swilled around her mouth and then spat into the sand. “I hope so… I’ve swallowed enough dirt today to start a potato farm in my stomach…”

Leticia gave a crooked grin. “I don’t think any of us will be sorry for this one to be in the can. Imogen said…”

But then Leticia stopped, and when Lea looked at her she thought the other woman looked a little guilty.

“What did Imogen…,” Lea began, but Leticia interrupted her.

“Hey, look, I think they’re done. Here comes Jason…”

She got up quickly and hurried over to her husband who had just appeared over the top of the hill on his cross-country bike. He came to a stand about twenty yards away by Leticia’s side, but when he pulled off his helmet he didn’t look at his wife but instead waved at Lea to come over.

Lea frowned. What did he want with her? Had something happened? She quickly got to her feet and walked toward Jason and Leticia.

“Everything ok?”

“Not sure. Norman’s asked me to get the trailer and load up his bike. I thought we were gonna ride back to Roy’s Inn on the bikes. Easier than loading those fuckers in the trailer out on these dunes…”

“Where is he?”

“He’s coming back on foot. Looked all pale and sweaty when he took his helmet off. Got overheated, is my guess. Long ass day for sure…”

Lea squinted up the hill behind Jason as he secured the kick-stand on his bike and pulled his gloves off. There Norman came, walking slowly and, Lea thought, a little unsteadily down toward them, carrying his helmet with his right. With his left he was trying to shield his eyes from the sun which was setting behind Lea and the cars.

She hurried toward him, patting the pockets of his big biker coat which she’d been wearing since lunchtime when he’d changed into a shorter leather jacket. It kept some of the sand off, and for the first time in what had felt like a week Lea hadn’t felt itchy when she’d put the coat on. Now she located Norman’s Ray Bans in an inside pocket and pulled them out as she drew level with him.

“Here, darling,” she said and folded the glasses open for him. Norman took them from her with shaking, freezing cold fingers and pulled them on quickly.

“Don’t tell the others,” he whispered, voice cracked and sore. “They don’t know about m’head…”

“All right.”

Lea let him draw ahead, then followed him downhill, not daring to offer any more support. She saw the tense set of Norman’s shoulders and wondered how bad his head was already.

A crew member who had driven one of the Jeeps today was standing by his car smoking a cigarette. Lea had an idea. Hurrying ahead of Norman now she went up to the guy and gave him the biggest, sad-eyed smile she could manage.

“Hey, Jake, would you mind driving me back? The others are still packing up, but I’m so tired. Still a bit sore, too… you know, that accident…”

They’d told the crew about her fall on the stairs and that she’d hurt her hip, since it still gave her trouble sometimes, but they’d left out the miscarriage. Medical secrets seemed a specialty in hers and Norman’s relationship, Lea mused wryly.

Leticia now threw her a worried look from where she was helping Jason with the trailer.

“You ok?”

“Sure, it’s nothing. Just really had enough.” Lea turned to Norman, who was trying to stand with his back to the sun without the others noticing. “Norman’s gonna come with me so I’m not alone. Hope you guys don’t mind…”

Jason glanced up, looking grumpy, but then gave a shrug. Never mind, Lea thought. She knew they had to get away. So what if the others thought she was a spoilt brat or that Norman was finally showing celebrity airs. Norman’s self-control would unravel soon. She could tell he’d waited much too long already and it was only a matter of time, and not much time at that, until he’d fall out.

Lea quickly fetched her purse from the blanket where she’d sat with Leticia, then hurried back around Norman and opened the back passenger door of Jake’s Jeep. She gave Norman a gentle nudge against the shoulder when he didn’t move, uncomfortably aware of Jason and Leticia both staring at them.

“Let’s go, honey…”

Finally he moved, clambering awkwardly into the backseat of the Jeep. Lea closed the door behind him, then hurried around to the other side. Jake was still finishing his cigarette, but his gaze on her was curious too. She hated deception, but this was not her secret to tell.

When Lea had climbed into the car she scooted close to Norman and gave him a quick once over. His hands were shaking as he tried to buckle his seatbelt, so Lea helped him, then leaned into his side.

“Relax against me, and close your eyes. Nobody will know behind the sunglasses…”

“Oh doc…”

His voice was small and scared. He was dreading what was now inevitably coming. Lea took his hands in hers. They were like ice.

“I’ve got some plastic bags in my purse. Tell me if you think you can’t hold it together anymore, ok?”

He gave a nod, lips tightly pressed together, breathing through the mounting pain and nausea.

“There’s no shame in it, you know…”

“’s not that…jus’…the more people know…it’ll get out…Shadi knows, tho…”

“Don’t worry, I won’t say anything. Here comes Jake. Just keep breathing, we’ll be at the motel in no time at all.”

Jake got in and Lea gave him a quick smile as he looked at her in the rear view mirror. Praying for his sake that Norman’s iron self-control would hold Lea kept an eye on him as they started down the bumpy dirt road before alighting on the smooth tarmac just as the rest of the crew came into view beyond the window.

The next twenty minutes seemed the longest ever in Lea’s life.

When they were about five minutes away Lea dug for their room key in her purse, surreptitiously also stowing a plastic bag in one of her many coat pockets. She could hear Norman’s rattly breath in his chest, much too shallow and fast. One hand on his leg she didn’t dare take her eyes off him now.

Jake parked the Jeep out front, just by the reception entrance of the long, two-story roadside motel. Norman was out of the car before Jake had quite turned the engine off, and Lea quickly followed. As she slid across the seat she patted the young driver quickly on one shoulder and gave him a smile.

“Thanks so much. See you later!”

When she got out Lea nearly bumped into Norman who had stopped right by the car, clutching on to the door hard with one hand. She quickly put an arm around him and unclenched his hand from the door so she could close it.

“Can you walk, honey? Or d’you need the bag?”

He didn’t answer, just lowered his head with the tiniest sob. Lea held on tighter.

“I’ve got you. We’re almost there, you gonna make it just fine now…”

Norman gripped on to her arm when she put it around his chest, urging him on gently. He was heavy and overly warm against her.

They walked slowly around the side of the low, powder-blue building. Their room was on the second floor on the backward facing side, and Lea led Norman toward the outside staircase. While she steered him carefully Lea couldn’t quite suppress the little bubble of annoyance. Why had he not told the crew hours ago that he wasn’t well and that they had to stop shooting? If he’d taken his meds sooner all this could’ve been avoided.

But it was too late now, and Norman needed her help. They’d made it halfway up the stairs when Norman stopped dead again, gripping the bannister hard. He let go of Lea and pressed the other hand against his temple with a moan. She knew there was no hope now, they wouldn’t make it up the rest of the stairs in time.

“Damn…”

Lea pulled out the plastic bag from the coat pocket with one hand while keeping the other one on Norman to prevent him from toppling off the stairs. She shook the bag open and he reached for it with fumbling, clammy fingers just in time.

“Oh honey…”

Lea held him as Norman retched painfully. He was swaying precariously and Lea threw a nervous look behind them. She knew he wasn’t done, but they had to get off these stairs.

“Let’s move, darling. I know you’re gonna throw up again, but let’s get you inside. I’ll help, c’mon…”

Somehow they made it up the stairs, and somehow Lea got their bedroom door open. As they hurried across the room to the bathroom Lea took the bag from him, and Norman tried to shrug out of his jacket.

“So hot…”

He seemed frantic and Lea finally managed to pull the heavy leather jacket off his shoulders, dropping it onto the floor.

They made it into the bathroom just when Norman lost the battle with the nausea again. He slumped to his knees hard before Lea could prevent it, pressing his hand against his mouth just as the gagging started up again. A little bit of sick splattered onto his shirt from between his fingers but then he got his head over the toilet, and most of it was on target. Lea dropped the sick bag into the bathtub and dropped to her knees by his side. When his arms started shaking where he was supporting himself against the toilet seat Lea put her arms around him again.

Lea was still wearing Norman’s big coat, and now she could feel his phone buzzing in a pocket. Making sure not to let go of him completely Lea fished the phone out with her left, glancing at the little screen.

“It’s Shadi. Shall I answer?”

“Yeah,” Norman gasped before retching anew. Lea pressed the call accept button.

“Hi, David.”

“Hey…that Lea?”

“Yeah…”

“You guys ok?”

“Well…”

“It’s his head, isn’t it?”

“Unfortunately, yeah…”

“Anything I can do?”

“Not really. Let’s try not to draw too much attention to it… Listen, there’s a small black kit bag in the other car, the one Leticia and I were in this morning. Could you get that for me?”

“Sure. Shall I bring it around?”

Lea glanced at Norman, who had slumped onto his arms resting over the toilet, breathing hard. She rubbed him gently between the shoulder blades just when he lifted his head again with a groan.

“No, give me some time to sort him out. You guys are going to the diner now?”

“I guess so.”

“I’ll meet you there in twenty minutes or so. Got to get a few things from there anyway…”

“All right. I’ll wait for you there.”

“Thanks, David.”

Lea hung up and put the phone on the edge of the bathtub. Norman seemed done throwing up for now and sat slumped against her. She pulled him closer and he hid his face against her neck. His forehead felt awfully hot against her skin. She put a hand on his neck and stroked him gently. She was worried that she’d soon be unable to get him off the floor, he was so heavy against her.

“Norman, you belong in bed…”

“’kay…”

Supporting Norman as he pulled himself back to standing hurt Lea’s injured hip. She winced as it twisted awkwardly and he stopped dead, swaying but trying to pull away.

“Y’kay? ‘s your bad leg? Don’…”

He almost overbalanced as he tried to not lean on her and Lea quickly pulled him close again. He was shaking hard now.

“It’s ok, don’t worry about it… I got you, it’s nothing… C’mon…”

They got into the bedroom somehow, and over to the bed. She supported him as he crawled onto the covers, then quickly went to both windows, pulled the curtains shut and turned back to the bed.

“Trousers off…”

Norman fumbled with the buttons on his jeans and Lea pulled his shoes off, dropping them onto the floor. There was sand everywhere, it was quite disgusting. Lea then went to help Norman who was having difficulty getting his pants down over his hips lying down. When they were finally off she helped him to slide under the covers, where he curled up, hiding his face.

Lea got a wet washcloth from the bathroom and sat down by Norman’s side. He turned his face toward her and she placed the cloth on his forehead and over his eyes. He sighed, then felt blindly for her hands. Lea took both of his and squeezed them.

“I didn’t bring and IV medication, Norman. Do you want us to go to hospital?” He shook his head as she’d known he would. Lea sighed. “There’s Lioresal rescue treatment in my kit. I’ll fetch that from Shadi in a minute.”

Lea took a deep breath. She had to ask, even though her heart was hurting for him. “Norman, tell me the truth. Have you taken the Elavil at all since we’ve been here?”

He didn’t answer for a long moment, then said, very quietly, “No…”

“And why not?”

“It makes me slow, and confused, and I can’t think… get that enough on my own, thanks…”

He pulled the cloth off his face and twisted in his hands. His gaze flitted to her, then he squinted at the window where small crack of sunset was still visible. Shuddering, he quickly turned his face away.

Lea took the cloth from him and used it to wipe his face and neck, then his right hand, which felt sticky with puke. He let her do it all but wouldn’t meet her eyes again.

“Norman, I hate to be the naggy girlfriend, you know that… so I’ll be the annoying doctor instead. You _need_ to take your meds, the migraines will never get better without treatment. You’ve tried long enough to go without, you need the preventative treatments…”

“Isn’t there something else? These pills are awful…”

“Maybe, but you have to give them a chance to work first. You’ve barely even started treatment. Things need some time to settle, but unless you take them you’ll never know whether they’re the answer.”

He looked at her then, and his eyes started to fill with tears.

“Oh, don’t cry, Norman, please…”

But he just rolled over onto his side, away from her, and covered his face with his arms. Lea sighed again. She didn’t want to be annoyed, but right now it was a real challenge not to be. For a moment she was tempted to try and make peace right away. Just like Norman Lea didn’t like discord. She could be brutally honest, but she had to resolve any tension immediately.

Right now, though, she was properly mad, and didn’t even feel very sorry for Norman in his pain. It was selfish, really, to let it go on this long without telling anyone. Now she had to deal with his mess, again. So instead of caving in Lea returned to the bathroom, quickly cleaned up in there and washed her hands which were also sticky from his pukey fingers. Then she hung up Norman’s jacket and put the bathroom trashcan close by the head end of the bed.

“I’m going to fetch my kit, and some tea for you, Norman. I put the bin on the floor right by your head, if you feel sick. Don’t get up. I’ll be back soon.”

Lea didn’t wait for a response, just picked the key up from where she’d dropped it by the door and quietly let herself out of the room.

Even though she was mad with Norman Lea worried that something might happen to him while she was gone. He was definitely getting worse with every attack. She hurried around to the front of the motel toward the adjacent diner that had been the crew’s meeting space over the last few days.

The car park outside the motel’s reception was deserted. Lea knew their group had been the biggest business this place had had in weeks. She couldn’t get away fast enough from this desolate speck in the middle of nowhere, but she had a feeling that she and Norman wouldn’t be going anywhere for a few days at least.

When she entered the little restaurant Lea immediately spotted Shadi in a booth at the back, nursing a lonely cup of coffee. Lea waved at him but then made for the counter first, where a bored-looking waitress was drying glasses.

“Could I have…” Lea scanned the menu overhead. “Hmm, what kind of herbal teas have you got?”

“Say what?”

“You know… peppermint, chamomile, ginger tea? Something like that?”

The waitress looked a bit doubtful, then turned around and rummaged on a shelf. “I think there’s some weird smelling tea bags here – says Fennel on the box…”

“Perfect, they’ll do. Could you make a really big jug, with four or five of those? Oh, and boil the water in the kettle, don’t microwave it!” Lea shuddered when she said that. What an abominable idea that was… “Oh, and could I have a large glass of ice chips, too?”

“Sure…”

The waitress regarded her rather as if Lea had lost her mind, but then just set to work without another word.

“Thank you.”

Refraining from rolling her eyes Lea turned and walked over to their cameraman.

“Hey David.”

“Hey…how is he?”

“Not good…”

“It’s a proper migraine attack, isn’t it?”

“Yeah. It’s really pretty bad this time.” She pointed at the black kit bag Shadi had brought for her that was sitting on the bench next to him now. “There’s some medication in there that’ll help, if he can only keep it down…”

“Told him several times already, he’s gotta speak up when shit gets too much… he’s funny about what he does and does not want people to know. Does he think he’s some kind of superman? Sounds like it’s really bitten him in the ass this time.”

“Yeah, it has… listen, don’t tell the others? He’ll fret, and he needs to stay calm right now. You and I know it’s stupid, but it’s his decision…”

“Don’t seem fair when you’re the one keeps picking up the pieces…”

Shadi looked at her searchingly, but Lea kept quiet. True, he was one of Norman’s best and oldest friends, but she didn’t feel like she should gossip with anyone about her guy’s private business, even if it affected her directly, and not even with someone she knew Norman trusted implicitly. His privacy was so precarious these days, Lea felt she had to protect him wherever she could, especially when he was vulnerable, whatever her own opinion might be. She was just beginning to understand how much she was his safe place now.

“Promise you’ll keep his secret? Just tell the others he’s tired, or that he swallowed too much sand. Which is true, by the way. Today was just disgusting…”

Shadi sighed, but then nodded. “Of course I’ll keep his secrets. I always do…”

“Thank you. I gotta go back to him now.”

Shadi handed her the bag. “Tell me if you guys need anything at all, ok?”

“Will do. Thank you, really… Go and rest now, you look beat!”

Lea slung the kit bag over her shoulder and went back to the counter where the waitress had prepared two jugs, one with ice chips, the other with the golden, steaming tea.

“Great, thanks so much. Put it on our room? No. 225, ok?”

The waitress nodded grumpily as Lea picked up the jugs and made for the door.

When she was halfway across the car park Lea started cursing the waitress under her breath. Why had she asked for that much tea and ice, anyway? Everything was always so excessive in this country. Her arms were getting numb. She had to set these jugs down, and soon.

With her last strength Lea made it to the picnic tables that were aligned against the corner of the building. As she sat the pitchers down some of the hot tea sloshed over her hand. With a little yelp Lea scooped up some ice chips and put them against her hand where it was turning an angry red.

“But how d’you know?”

“Cuz that thing was right there…”

Lea craned her neck. That sounded like Imogen and Leticia, up above her on the second floor balcony, just outside what Lea knew to be Leticia and Jason’s room. She was about to step out from under the balcony and call up to them, but then she hesitated. They’d ask her what she was doing with a pitcher full of ice, and one full of tea, and what could she say to that? Better to quickly sneak away before the two women looked down.

“You mean the necklace? That same one?”

Lea froze. Necklace? Her hand, now cold from the ice, went to her own neck where the _Love_ necklace lay against sweaty, dusty skin.

“So, you saying they were already…”

“I guess they were… I don’t know… I told you he was weird, at the time…how fucked-up is this? I mean, he knew what the deal was with me. Why didn’t he say anything?”

“You better keep your trap shut, now…”

“I will. You done with that smoke? I gotta go shower, that fucking dust is all the way up my ass crack…”

“Now you see why I didn’t wanna ride in this shithole.”

“Fuck off…”

A door slammed overhead, making Lea jump. What had she just overheard? Had this anything to do with her? But then she gave herself a mental shake. Nothing at all was pointing at that, she had to get a grip already…

And anyway, Lea had somewhere she had to be, and now. She’d been away an awfully long time, she should hurry before Norman did something stupid in his clumsy, confused state.

Lea picked up her pitchers and went around the back and up the stairs to their room. When she got there she put the pitchers on the floor so she could unlock the door. Pushing the door open she couldn’t see anything at first in the darkened bedroom.

Then she heard a low groan, followed by a chesty, painful-sounding cough that went right through to the bone.

“Norman?”

Not turning on the ceiling light and relying on the little bulb above the door Lea transferred the pitchers from the floor outside onto a table just by the door. Then she hurried over to Norman, only belatedly remembering that she’d not closed the door. She didn’t bother to go back to close it now, already fully focused on Norman, who was perched on the very edge of the bed, head hidden in his hands. He coughed again, and Lea didn’t care for the dry, rattling sound at all.

Then he gave another groan and Lea could see him trying to reach for the trashcan by his feet, almost overbalancing. Lea got to his side just in time, and picking the can up with one hand she steadied him on the left shoulder with the other.

“Here…”

His hands on hers as he grasped for the trashcan were burning now. He retched, and a thin trickle of bile splattered into the can. The heaves seemed to hurt him badly, but nothing more was coming up. They did bring about a new bout of coughing though, a choked-off sound from deep inside his chest.

“Oh darling, come here…”

Lea put the bin on the floor and sat by Norman’s side. She held him close as the coughing went on and on, and he leaned into her with a sob, one hand pressed against his chest, gasping for breath. Lea knew he wouldn’t be able to breathe lying down, so she just held him securely, reaching for the washcloth she’d put on the bedside table and placing it on the back of his neck when he rested his forehead against her shoulder.

They stayed like this for several minutes. Eventually Lea fetched the ice chips, and those finally helped calm the coughing, soothing the nausea at the same time. Norman slowly relaxed against her, and she rather thought he might fall asleep sitting up like this, he was so exhausted.

“You ready to lie back down?”

“Yeah…”

She helped Norman stretch out again, gave him a few more ice chips, then went into the bathroom to rinse the trashcan and the washcloth.

When she came back into the bedroom Norman had his eyes closed, but hadn’t curled up away from her this time. Lea poured a small glass of the lukewarm tea and got some pills from her medical kit. Both she carried over to the bed and sat back down. He opened his eyes and regarded her with a slightly unfocused gaze. Lea pushed a few strands of hair aside and tucked them behind his ear. Tears were still beading Norman’s lashes, but he didn’t let them spill over now.

“How’re you feeling, darling?”

“Like shit…”

“I’m really sorry…we gotta wait a little before you take the Lioresal, but I’ve got some Zofran here for the nausea. We can try that with some Fennel tea, how about it?”

“Ok.”

His voice sounded small and scared again, and he looked utterly defeated. Lea’s heart went out to him, even though she was still annoyed about his stubbornness. When she’d helped him swallow the pills and wash them down with some tea Norman sank back into the pillow with a sigh and put his arm over his eyes. Lea watched him carefully to make sure not to miss any signs of distress.

“’m so sorry…”

Norman’s voice was a mere whisper, and Lea put a hand on his chest, stroking him gently. She dearly wanted him to feel better, but he had to understand that he’d have to work for that to happen.

“Will you take your pills from now on?”

“If you think I should…”

“I do. Let’s at least give them a chance. If they don’t work we’ll try something else. But you gotta be honest with me…”

He tensed at her words, and for a moment Lea thought she’d have to retrieve the trashcan from the floor. But then he just sighed and gave a nod.

“Ok, I will, promise… Lea?”

“Yes?”

“I love you. Don’t leave me…”

His arm came away from his eyes and he groped for her hand. She took it in both of hers and his sad gaze held her fast, despair and pain writ large on his face. Lea tried to give him her most encouraging smile.

“Course I won’t leave you. We’ll get through this together… Sleep now, and in a bit I’ll give you the rescue meds. You’ll be fine…”

He nodded, curled up under the covers and closed his eyes. Lea stroked his hair gently until he’d dropped off to sleep.

Hopefully, she thought, her promise that he’d be ok hadn’t just been a pipe dream.


	2. Chapter 2

“How was Nevada?”

“Sandy, and hot…”

Lea rubbed her eyes, which still felt like they were full of dust. She’d only stopped long enough at Norman’s place to shower, then hurried onto the subway and to work, trying to make it in time for her shift. She couldn’t afford to be late, they’d had to rearrange her schedule enough in the last few days. Lea owed her supervisor and their wonderful team, they’d made sure she could fully focus on Norman and not feel too guilty for letting them hang high and dry on very short notice.

Lea and Norman had had to extend their stay in the desert by two days; Norman had been in no condition to travel. He could hardly be upright for more than a couple of minutes without throwing up, and he’d been in so much pain. He was still weak as a kitten and doped off his head with pain meds, and it had been a challenge to get him home at all. Now he was resting under Joanne’s watchful eye, and Lea had made him cancel everything for at least another three days.

Mingus was due to drop by after school. Lea hadn’t wanted to pick another fight and had kept quiet, but she thought it highly inappropriate that Norman’s teenage son would once again be expected to look after his dad.

Kathy knew that she’d been delayed in coming back because of Norman’s illness, but she hadn’t said anything about it. Lea had been grateful that the nurse had been so discreet, but that gratitude was shattered when Kathy spoke again now.

“Your guy was in the gossip column again the other day…”

“What d’you mean?”

“Betty, that new day nurse? She reads these rags… and she showed me. She recognized him from when he was here with you after…”

Lea knew Kathy was trying to avoid mentioning her miscarriage. She wondered why talking about that would be a problem for her, when gossiping clearly wasn’t. She looked at the nurse, frowning.

“Why you saying again?”

Now the nurse looked uncomfortable. “He was seen with that actress, last year…the one who’s married to the guy from Dawson’s Creek…and they were in that magazine again, a few days ago…”

Lea’s frown deepened. That rumor was so old. It must’ve been a really slow news week if they’d dragged that up again.

“Well, he wasn’t with her. I was there, in that desert, the whole time, I would’ve seen. And it’s all bullshit, anyway. Now excuse me, I’ve got patients to see…”

As she walked away Lea shook her head in disbelief. Was that really how some women chose to spend their time, reading these dishrags, and spreading the lies they found there?

Lea put Kathy and the ridiculous rumors out of her mind as she entered the examination room where her next patient was waiting.

“Jerome Anderson?”

“That’s me.”

“Hi, I’m Dr. Winters. You’ve hurt your hand, Mr. Anderson?”

“Call me Jerome, doc. Mr. Anderson’s my gramps.”

Looking up from her clipboard Lea felt flustered for a moment. The deep, silky voice belonged to a very handsome African American man in his early thirties, wearing a firefighter’s uniform. He was sitting on the examination bed, calmly looking at her with beautiful dark eyes, smiling slightly. Lea felt herself blush.

What _was_ this? She was never so easily impressed by a handsome face.

To cover her confusion Lea quickly dropped her gaze and stepped closer, putting her clipboard on the bed next to the man and pointing at his right hand which he was cradling against his chest.

“All right then, Jerome… can I take a look?”

“Certainly.”

Jerome extended his arm and when Lea met his eyes again they were still regarding her with this particularly intense look. Was he making fun of her? Focusing on the task before her, and finding it incredibly difficult, Lea carefully took his hand in both of hers.

“How did this happen?”

She gently palpated his wrist, and Jerome gave a small hiss.

“Sorry…”

“A beam fell on it. Was pulling this guy out from under the rabble of his garden shed, and bam. He’s fine, ‘s all that matters.”

His voice was a little tense as Lea slowly flexed each finger.

“Sounds like an exciting day at work. But this is probably a fairly dull one for you, no?”

“I try to keep the mangled limbs to a minimum, but yeah, can be quite the ride. Bet yours is too, huh, doc?”

“Oh, you know…mangled limbs are quite common, but I see to it that it’s not my own too often…” He gave a little chuckle at that. “Move your fingers for me?”

Lea watched his face as he did so, noticing a small wince, and her own face blushing again. She quickly picked up her clipboard.

“I doubt anything is broken, but I’d like to do an X-ray anyway… It might take a while, though, radiology is backed up. I’ll call down, put a bit of heat on them…”

“Don’t worry about that,” Jerome said, smiling that amazing smile again. “Chief said not to show my face at the station again today. I think he’s getting sick of us showing off our injuries. I got all day.”

“Oh, don’t let them hear that downstairs. You _will_ be there all day if they think you’re not fussed…”

“As long as you keep me company, doc, I don’t see how that’s a bad thing. Sounds like a great way to spend my day.”

This time Lea knew that she looked visibly flustered. When she glanced at him Jerome grinned and she quickly looked away again.

Was he flirting? He was way too gorgeous to be flirting with her. She’d not put on any make-up, had rings under her eyes from three sleepless nights and her hair was a complete disaster zone. And why the hell did he have to call her doc? Her mind returned to Norman, at home and sick, every time she heard that nickname.

Lea tried her most non-committal smile now. “I’ll send my favorite nurse, she’s much better company than me.”

“Oh I doubt that very much…”

Heart beating fast Lea quickly exited the examination room. Why in goodness name did she suddenly envy Kathy her job?

*

“You look very nice, baby girl.”

Lea was in the process of climbing into her new shoes in Norman’s bedroom when he came up behind her and put an arm around her middle, nuzzling her neck.

“You think? Thanks… If I fall over with these,” Lea pointed at the slightly heeled shoes, “will you catch me?”

“Every time, babe…”

Lea looked at him in the full-length mirror they were standing in front of. He was smiling at her now, and she automatically returned his smile. They looked nice together, like this, both more smartly dressed than they’d been since that party at Balt’s. But Lea could still see the paleness and lines of last week’s migraine attack on Norman’s face.

“Your head feel ok?”

“Yeah, it’s fine. And I took my pills, too, doc…”

Lea kept eye contact with him in the mirror, smiling. Then she squeezed his arm that was still lying around her middle, and he returned the smile a little sadly. His hand came to rest on her stomach for a moment, but then he suddenly froze, and quickly let go of her. Lea looked around, startled. Norman had stepped over to the bed and now picked up his suit jacket, not looking at her. There was a pained expression on his face, and Lea thought she knew what was going through his head.

He was remembering the miscarriage. Lea turned away, picked up the _Love_ necklace from the small table by the mirror and fastened it around her neck with shaky fingers.

They hadn’t talked about it since she had recovered. Apparently it was on his mind more than Lea had realized. She cast around for something to say, but couldn’t think of anything that might make him feel better.

Then the moment passed and Norman stepped close again, now wearing his jacket. He put his hand on her neck gently, and when she looked around he was smiling again. Lea felt relieved.

“You ready?”

“Yeah… I’m actually excited. I haven’t seen any plays since I’ve been here. In London I’d go to the theatre all the time. Much more exciting that cinema…”

Norman’s eyes darkened, and Lea’s heart dropped. She could’ve kicked herself. How could she have said that, cinema and TV acting were his life, his whole career. He’d said several times that he’d never be able to remember enough lines to do theatre, so this must’ve hit him extra hard.

She was about to apologize but then his expression changed again. Lea could see the effort it cost him, but she was extremely pleased to watch him quell his irritation. Clearly, he could be an adult in this relationship too, and it seemed that she was important enough to him for him to try and overlook her thoughtless remark.

“C’mon, let’s go. We don’t wanna be late…”

He held out his hand and Lea took it. They let themselves out of the apartment and got into the lift.

*

Norman had called them an ordinary yellow cab, and he held her hand during the entire journey up to Times Square.

Lea felt nervous. There would be many of Norman’s friends and colleagues from the show at the theatre tonight. Many of them had come to New York specially to see Danai’s play. Andy would be there, and Lea was looking forward to seeing him again. If all else failed he’d probably take pity on her and talk to her while she hid from all the famous strangers.

A few people were hanging around outside, just as Norman had predicted, clutching cameras and posters. But he’d worked it all out beforehand.

“We’ll drive past, I get out on the corner. Stay all the way over in the shadow. Then the driver goes around the block once and lets you out right outside the theatre when you’ve circled back around. I’ll wait for you inside. If you don’t see me, wait by the big staircase. I’ll come and get you, or send someone.”

It had sounded awfully complicated, but surprisingly it worked just fine. When Lea got into the lobby she saw Norman halfway up the big staircase, waiting for her. He gave her a wink, then turned and climbed the stairs. Lea followed him into a small, elegant bar past a security guard. The room had clearly been set aside for their party, and there were maybe twenty people milling about. Lea rather hoped that the other theatregoers had somewhere else to get their drinks from.

Norman waited just long enough until they were out of sight of the entrance to the bar, then took her by the hand and smiled down at her. It gave Lea butterflies like she hadn’t felt in weeks.

“Let me introduce you. I’m so excited for you to finally meet these guys…”

He led the way over to the nearest group of people, all of whom were looking at Lea curiously. The butterflies now morphed into nervousness.

Most of the names rushed straight over Lea’s head, but when Norman put his hand on the shoulder of a man with very long, greying hair Lea smiled. She had seen pictures of him and Norman on Norman’s phone, and was delighted to finally meet him in the flesh.

“Lea, this is Greg Nicotero.”

“I know! Hi Greg, it’s so good to finally meet you!”

“Likewise, doctor. You well? Is our prince behaving himself?”

Lea gave Greg her biggest smile as she shook his hand. “Always. We’re very well, thank you…”

And as far as it went, it was true, Lea thought as Norman quickly apologized to Greg because he was anxious to show her off to the next group of people. They were well enough, just now, the two of them.

Lea waved at Andy, who smiled at her as he was standing with the group Norman now led her to. Norman lightly tapped a tall woman next to Andy on the shoulder.

“Wow, what a night, congratulations! Danai,” Norman put an arm around Lea and pulled her close, “this is Lea. Lea, this is Danai Gurira, our playwright.”

The dark-skinned woman smiled at Lea and extended a hand. Lea had hardly ever seen a more beautiful woman in her life. Her smile was warm and her handshake firm.

“You are the doctor, aren’t you?”

“I am, yes…”

“It’s so good to finally meet you. Norman talks about you every time he calls…”

“Sounds ominous. I must try and be less interesting around him if that’s the case…”

Danai laughed at that, and Lea was relieved that her weird sense of humor that kept kicking in when she was nervous had not put this particular friend of Norman’s off. How beautiful this woman was… Lea glanced at Norman, wondering why the heck he would be with her when he regularly kept company with people like Danai. And she was interesting, too.

“I can’t wait to see your play,” Lea now said, and it was true. She had read some early reviews and they’d been full of praise.

“Thank you! It was already on in London. You moved from there, didn’t you?”

“Yes I did. Shame I missed it…”

Danai threw Norman a quick look. “Whatever winds of fate have brought you to Norman’s doorstep, we’re all very grateful.”

Norman smiled at Danai who kept her eyes locked with his. Did he seem a little fidgety, though? Lea couldn’t be sure. Why would he be? But then he waved at someone behind Danai and turned to Lea.

“Doc, let me introduce you to _our_ doctor…”

The blonde woman who came walking across the room toward them seemed oddly familiar to Lea. It took her a moment, but then, with a jolt, Lea realized where she knew her from.

“You’re Zoe Barkow, oh my god!”

Lea clapped her hand to her mouth, mortified. But the blonde woman started to laugh, and Norman nudged her, grinning broadly.

“Wow, baby girl. That’s the first time I’ve seen you get star struck.”

Shaking the blonde woman’s hand with trembling fingers Lea looked from her to Norman. “ _Nurse Jackie_ is the only thing I’ve watched on telly in years…this is so unreal…I’m sorry I squealed, though…”

The woman grinned. “Don’t worry about it. I’m Merritt, but that was so funny, I don’t mind if you call me Zoe…”

At that moment Greg appeared at Norman’s shoulder, holding his phone.

“My apologies, ladies, could I borrow Norman for a minute?” He held the phone out to Norman. “It’s Steven. He and Jo came on the subway, and now they’re lost. I don’t know this city, could you help them figure out where they are?”

“Sure…”

Norman waved at Lea, Merritt and Danai and took the phone from Greg, then walked over to the window, Greg in tow.

“So you’re the doctor on the show?” Lea turned back to Merritt.

“Yes, but I’ve only been in a few episodes this season.”

“I’m not at all caught up… I should really watch it all, but things keep getting in the way…”

“I wouldn’t worry about it. Norman says you’re a real doctor?”

“Yes, I work at Langone ER…”

“Well in that case you get enough gross stuff at work, no need for zombies.”

“That’s what I keep telling people,” Lea grinned. “And we’ve just been so busy.”

“I bet. Keeping up with Norman is almost a full-time job in itself.” Did Lea detect a little frown on the woman’s face as she glanced at Norman who was still on the phone? But then Merritt looked at Lea and smiled. “Let me tell you a secret. I don’t really watch TV either. I prefer this, going to the theatre.”

“Me, too.” Lea thought back to her slip-up with Norman earlier when she’d said she preferred the theatre. She still felt guilty about that, but pushed the thought away. “I used to go all the time in London, but I don’t know enough people here yet who would tell me about the cool stuff…”

“Then you have to come with me sometime. My friends and I go at least once a month. I’m not always in the city because of work, but the other women are all based here, so it nearly always happens.” She pulled out her phone “Give me your number and I’ll let you know next time we go.”

Lea reeled her number off and Merritt saved it in her phone. Lea felt slightly dazed. She’d just been offered to join this famous woman’s theatre club. Here, finally, Norman had brought her along to an event where she was making interesting new friends.

Just when Merritt put her phone away the stage bell rang for the first time. Norman was coming back toward them, too, and Lea saw that he was grinning broadly, shaking his head.

“What’s tickled you?”

Norman giggled and took Lea by the arm. “Steven and his girl got so lost…”

“Did you sort them out?”

“Hope so. We’ll see if they turn up… here, quick, let’s get a drink before we sit down.”

He pulled Lea toward the bar and they ordered two G&Ts, then quickly hurried after the others, giggling. Lea wasn’t sure why Norman would be so amused, but it was infectious. They snuck into the last two seats in the box a smiling usher showed them to, right behind Danai and Andy. Norman immediately made the most of the fact that they were virtually invisible to the rest of the theatre in the darkness, and pulled Lea close. She leaned into him with a sigh.

This was great, exactly the kind of night they should have more often. But somehow Lea knew that she was kidding herself. The happiness she was feeling just that moment could never last.

*

“Norman, are you ok?”

“Dizzy…”

He’d been very quiet during the second half of the play, and now, as they were waiting to file out of the box after the others he’d suddenly gripped the back of the nearest chair hard and stopped dead. Lea scanned his face anxiously. He’d gone ghostly pale and a thin layer of sweat was covering his brow.

“Here, sit…” She took his upper arm and steered him around so he could sit in the nearest seat. “Is your head hurting?”

“No, no, ‘s really not that. But my heart feels like it’s trying to run away…”

It sounded like side effects from the Elavil. Norman had had only a couple of drinks, but as far as Lea knew this was the first time he’d been drinking since he’d started taking the new medication regularly.

“Wait here a moment…”

Lea quickly hurried toward the door to their box where Andy was just about to disappear from sight and tapped him lightly on the arm.

“Sorry, Andy… Norman isn’t feeling too good, but I’m not sure I should be seen helping him. Would you mind giving him a hand?”

“Course I’ll help…”

Andy looked to where Norman was sitting with his head down and led the way over to him.

“Hey, mate. You ok?”

Norman looked up as Andy put a hand on his friend’s shoulder. Lea thought his eyes were strangely unfocused.

“Been better…”

“You look like you’re feeling sick.”

“Mostly dizzy…”

Andy looked up at Lea. “We’ve got dinner reservations nearby, to celebrate with Danai, but maybe you guys should just go home?”

Lea looked at Norman, who nodded miserably. “Sorry for ruining another night, doc…”

“Don’t be silly… but how do we get you home without people seeing us together?”

Norman rubbed his face and straightened up a little. He was looking a little less pale now, but incredibly tired.

“I don’t care who sees us, babe. You’re my girl, and I want the world to know. If you’re ready…”

He looked at her, still not quite managing to focus, and clearly struggling to keep it together. But she could tell he was being serious. Lea nodded, a lump in her throat.

“I am, yeah…”

“Let’s get you two a taxi…”

Andy helped Norman to his feet and kept his arm around him all the way out of the box and down into the foyer. Norman seemed a little steadier when they walked across to the exit, but Andy put a hand on his friend’s elbow nevertheless.

“You think we can flag down a taxi, or do we need to call one?”

“Nah, man, there’ll be one going past every few seconds…”

“You feeling better?”

“Yeah…thanks, Andy…”

“Hey, no problem. I’ll go out there with you and wait. Keep the vultures distracted.” Andy turned and threw Lea a look. “Don’t worry if they swarm us, ok? Take Norman’s other arm and stay with him. I’ll deal with the fans.”

“Ok…”

Lea did as Andy had suggested, and as she stepped next to Norman he took her hand and held on fast. She looked up at her guy and he smiled, still a little tense but determined.

“Meant it, what I said. High time they know…”

She nodded, then stepped out of the doors after Andy and Norman.

There was only a handful of people, but they all turned toward them when they realized who it was. Lea wondered briefly where Danai and her other guests had gotten to. Hopefully they’d managed to get away okay.

Andy walked ahead quickly, shaking his head as people started clamoring, calling his and Norman’s name.

“Not tonight, guys, sorry. Excuse use, please…”

Lea thought the people around them looked rather taken aback, and she wondered whether it was because of what Andy had said or because they were all distractedly staring at her. Nobody backed away at Andy’s words, and the women who had been eyeing Norman were shooting daggers at her when they realized Norman was holding her hand. A couple of camera flashes went off, but then they caught up with Andy at the curb, a yellow cab already stopping for them.

“I’ll make your excuses to Danai,” Andy now said as he turned around to them. Then he looked Lea in the eye rather seriously. “Make sure he rests, ok?”

“Will do. Thank you, Andy…”

“Yeah, thanks, man.”

Norman let go of Lea’s hand and hugged Andy. When he leaned forward Lea caught sight of a middle-aged woman who was staring at the three of them intently, almost maliciously.

“Hey, Norman,” the woman suddenly called over in a broad Midwestern accent. “Where’s Diane tonight, eh? And who’s _that_?”

She threw Lea a nasty look, but then Andy stepped into Lea’s line of vision and took her hands, shaking his head.

“Ignore her,” he mouthed quietly. Lea glanced at Norman who was standing next to her, but he’d frozen and looked rather pale again. Andy took Norman gently by the elbow and led him over to the waiting cab where he helped him climb into the backseat. Then Andy turned and kissed Lea on the cheek as she stepped close, and ushered her inside.

“Take care, guys. I’ll see you soon.”

The door closed behind Lea, and she turned to Norman, worried again. He wouldn’t meet her eye. Lea felt an eerie sense of foreboding.

“Why would that woman ask about Diane?”

Norman looked out of the window past her, at the street rushing by, then dropped his gaze again.

“Cuz my fans are crazy, that’s why…”

“Norman, what’s the matter?”

Lea tried to take his hand, but he shook his head and pulled away. She didn’t think he was angry with her, but something was clearly wrong. Lea stared. He was never like this. What was going on?

She decided not to press him just that moment. He clearly wasn’t feeling well, and she didn’t want a scene in a public space, especially now that people would definitely start taking notice of her.

Maybe that was it. Maybe he was already regretting suggesting they go public with their relationship.

They didn’t speak at all until they were back in the penthouse. Lea couldn’t deny that she felt hurt and confused. When they got inside – Norman had needed three tries to unlock the door – Lea couldn’t keep quiet any longer.

“Norman…”

“What?!”

He turned around and glared at her, and Lea shrank back. He really wasn’t himself tonight…

“M…maybe I should just go home…”

At that he dropped his head, and just stood for a long moment, swaying slightly. When he spoke again he wouldn’t look at her, and sounded incredibly tired.

“I’m taking the pills, just as you said I should. They make me feel terrible, but I’m taking them. So let’s…let’s just go to bed. We can talk some other time…”

Lea followed Norman as he made for the bedroom. She really wanted to just leave now, but she knew she couldn’t do that. He was right, this was the medication talking. He was doing this for her, and she would have to help him get through it.

Even if he was being a dick.


	3. Chapter 3

Lea was almost skipping once she’d parked the car and started walking the two blocks to Norman’s apartment. Not only had she managed to escape from work early – a talk she had been supposed to give with her supervisor had to be postponed because none of the big wigs originally invited had shown up on a Friday afternoon – but she and Norman actually had weekend plans, and they were definitely on. No canceling this time.

Norman had phoned her at lunchtime to double check they were still due to leave first thing the next morning, and would she _pleasepleaseplease_ tell him where they were going. She had to giggle at the memory of how excited he got when she kept refusing. Clearly he was enjoying the suspense.

She hadn’t known at lunchtime that she would be able to get away early. They might even have had time to change their plans and set off tonight. Lea was going to drive them, that was why she’d braved Manhattan by car. They might’ve gotten to their little weekend hide-out in Bridgehampton in time for an extra night of log fires and rest.

No matter. It would be great to just hang out at the penthouse, order Chinese food from downstairs and watch some DVDs, or talk, or cuddle, or… Lea grinned. It really had been too long since they’d last had sex. For a long while she’d still been sore from the accident, not just because of the miscarriage but also from the hip injury. Then Norman had been sick again, and after that the side effects of the new medication had been wearing them both down. This week, finally, he’d been much better, and Lea knew he was eager to “rock the sheets”.

Lea hadn’t been able to stop giggling when he’d called it exactly that on the phone at lunchtime, making her blush deeply right in front of Dr. M. Now she remembered the text he’d followed their phone call up with and pulled her phone from her bag to read it again.

_Bf romantic getaway guarantee: I make you scream my name n forget ur own, else we go back n do it all again the next week… X_

Lea was grinning again, and blushing, too, when she arrived at his building. The phone still in one hand she groped in her bag for the keys with the other. While she waited for the lift Lea wondered if she should order Chow Mein or duck from the takeaway tonight.

He’d be so surprised to see her early. There were actual butterflies in her stomach, for the first time in weeks. Maybe they wouldn’t have to wait with the sex until they got to the Hamptons. Just thinking about Norman’s hands on her, the way he always looked at her while he undressed her made her feel a warm heaviness deep inside.

She knew he would be in, he’d confirmed at lunchtime that he was planning on a lazy afternoon.

“Sleeping, and catching up with my social media,” was what he’d said.

Lea wasn’t sure exactly what that entailed. She knew that Norman had several online accounts on which he interacted with fans, but she hadn’t really had a lot of time to find out about any of that, and the longer they were together the more she disliked the idea of snooping around, in case she didn’t like what she’d find. And since the night at the theatre two weeks ago people certainly knew about her, even though so far she’d not had any more fan encounters because they’d both been too busy to do much except meet at his house in the evenings sometimes.

When Lea got out of the lift on Norman’s floor she wondered fleetingly if she should’ve called him to check he was ok with her coming over early. What if he didn’t like these kinds of surprises? Too late now, here she was. At least she could make it a proper surprise. Let herself in and sneak upstairs. Or, if he really was napping she could crawl into bed with him and they could rock the sheets before dinner. Grinning to herself Lea selected his front door key as she walked down the corridor.

She was almost at the door, hand already stretched out with the key, when she heard the lock click from the inside. Lea looked up just as the door swung open.

Later, the seconds of shocked realization would always seem like an eternity, playing over and over in her mind. At this moment, time seemed to stop completely.

The first thing Lea saw was the back of a blonde head, hair caught up in a small, untidy bun. Then she glimpsed Norman’s shaggy head behind the blonde one, and the picture solidified before her.

Slender fingers on his face.

His left hand around a slim waist.

The long, drawn-out kiss they shared while Lea stood frozen.

“No…”

Only when the blonde head whipped around did Lea realize she’d spoken aloud. She couldn’t even make out the face before her through a haze of shock, but she didn’t have to.

She knew it was Diane.

How could she have been so stupid…

Lea wheeled around before she’d even quite registered the expression on the two faces before her. She felt, more than she heard, the soft, cold laugh behind her that sounded like a thousand mirrors breaking.

There was an intake of breath, a curse, then a scuffle behind her that Lea hardly registered. Heavy footsteps when she was almost at the lifts, catching up quickly.

“Baby girl…”

His hand was on her arm, trying to hold her back, but she would have turned around even without that. Her heart was cold as ice as she wheeled on the ball of her foot, staring at his pale, shocked face.

“How _dare_ you call me that,” she spat.

He didn’t say anything, just stood, frozen, his face full of horror. His hand was still on her, just above the elbow, and Lea now jerked away with a snarl. She straightened up to her full height, taking a step back.

“Don’t you _ever_ call me that again!”

The key she was still holding in her right tinkled as she pulled free. She threw it hard at his feet and it clattered across the tiled floor noisily.

“I _never_ want to see you again!”

When she looked down from his shocked face to the key on the floor her gaze fell on the pink iPhone in her left hand.

“And _never_ call me _again_ in this life!”

She was shrieking now, she knew it, and didn’t care.

There came another little laugh from behind Norman, but Lea didn’t look at the other woman. Instead she locked eyes with Norman quite deliberately, noting the tears that were starting to roll down his face. Lea felt nothing but hatred.

She lifted the phone and took a step toward him, and he flinched away.

“ _Never!_ ”

Her shout was still reverberating all around them when the cell phone crashed onto the floor, bursting into pieces with a sound like thunder.

Then Lea wheeled around and strode toward the elevator, not looking back.


	4. Chapter 4

She threw herself into work over the next few weeks, trying to cram her days so full that all she could do afterwards was stagger home and crash. She hardly knew what she felt, but if someone had asked her she probably would’ve said that it was mostly numbness, at least at first.

Storming from Norman’s building Lea had raced straight back to her car, unlocked the door with shaking fingers and practically dived inside. For a moment she’d sat, panting with the exertion, her heart hammering in her chest. Then, startled by her own body, she’d thrown open the door again and been violently sick into the gutter.

Ever since then her eating disorder had reared its ugly head again. She wouldn’t eat at all during the punishing 12-hour shifts, then stop at a different bodega each night, load up her car with junk food and cram her face until she passed out on the sofa. The fact that a guy could make her do this to herself was almost harder to bear than the betrayal itself. Hating herself, feeling tired and irritable Lea was unable to stop the cycle of bingeing and fasting. Some days, when it had been especially bad, Lea actually put a finger down her throat afterward, hating herself even more.

She was surprised how easy that became after a while.

Norman didn’t call, or contact her in any way. Lea had been fully prepared for him to ring her phone off the hook, and had braced herself to stay hard, block his number and ignore him. When that turned out to be totally unnecessary she expected him to show up at work or her house, pulling some ridiculous stunt or sending an expensive gift she would be able to throw back into his face with relish. Nothing of that sort happened, either.

After a week of complete silence Lea realized that he just didn’t care enough, and it made her feel even more humiliated. Why had she ever kidded herself into believing he was different? He was just another nasty, cheating scumbag of a guy.

What a fool she’d been. The signs had all been there, but she’d ignored them. After a few days she no longer felt numb, but more and more ashamed.

They were probably all laughing at her. The nurses at work were throwing her covert looks all the time, so Lea was sure something must’ve made the arounds in the gossip columns again. She didn’t ask anyone, and kept herself apart even more than usual. She had too much pride to check, or google Norman again, even though it was becoming harder every day not to cave. When the urge to just boot up the computer became too strong Lea got a tub of ice cream from the freezer, ending the evening with her head over the toilet.

What a stupid situation to have landed herself in. Lea cursed herself for letting Norman get into her head, and her heart. Had she not known early on that this could never work? He was surrounded by beautiful women every day, why would he stay with her? Of course he’d cheat, the first opportunity he got.

Lea was certain Diane hadn’t been the only one, either. The beautiful, elfin-like form of Imogen kept popping up before her eyes every time she let her mind wander – which happened every few hours, she couldn’t help it.

That whole conversation about the necklace Lea had overheard between Imogen and Leticia in Nevada, how could she not have realized then? When she got home from his house that night she caught him with Diane Lea had almost thrown out the _Love_ necklace, but had stopped short at the last minute. She’d sell it, and use the money to go on vacation. Maybe on a cruise, just out of spite. That thought almost made her giggle. Right now the necklace was in her desk drawer at home. She’d list it on Ebay soon.

The suspicion that he’d cheated on her more than once oddly didn’t make her angrier. Lea would’ve almost preferred to find him with Imogen. At least that was a nice woman.

Norman didn’t know, of course, how Diane had behaved toward her. Lea didn’t blame Diane for her fall and losing Norman’s baby. But she had laughed, then walked away, leaving Lea lying on the floor, injured. It had been cold and callous, and that didn’t even take into account the things Diane had said to her before the accident had happened.

And yet, incredibly, Lea’s brain sometimes tried to make excuses for Diane. Maybe Diane really hadn’t realized Lea had hurt herself badly. And maybe Lea had misunderstood what the other woman had said before then.

The only explanation Lea could come up with for her mind following that path was that she refused to believe that Norman would be with someone whose soul was so black. Surely he must know, on some level, that Diane wasn’t a nice person. He’d worked with her, after all.

But maybe Lea had been simply blind where he was concerned. Who knew what else he’d lied about.

Once a liar, always a liar.

What, Lea wondered, would she have done if he’d confessed, or asked if she’d agree to an open relationship, or a more casual arrangement where he wouldn’t have to be faithful? Would she have agreed to that?

But he hadn’t asked, that was the point. He’d let her believe that she was the only one.

Or maybe she had just assumed…

The arguments warring in her head were getting circular and were starting to give her headaches and insomnia. And again and again she’d end up on the sofa with the chocolate bars.

Lea didn’t talk to anyone about what had happened, and what was going on inside her. She had no close friends in the city, and anyway, she didn’t think she really wanted to talk about it, or anyone to console her. Better bury what had happened deep inside and hope that time would help the wound close around the painful memories.

Then, about ten days after the fateful night, Lea received a call from an unknown number on her cell. Her gut reaction was almost blocking the number straight away. Who knew, it might be him…but why would he call now, after all those days of complete silence?

Lea told herself not to be ridiculous and took the call.

“Hello?”

“Hi Lea, this is Merritt Wever. We met at the theatre a few weeks ago…”

“Oh, hey… hi, yes, we did. Wow…”

“How are you?”

“Um…fine…”

“I said I’d call you next time me and my friends were going to the theatre…”

“Yes, I remember…listen… Norman and I, we… well…”

“I heard about that. That’s why I’m calling. There’s no theatre planned right now, but I thought maybe you’d like to go and have coffee, and talk… You’re new in the city, and I was worried you’d have nobody to talk to, especially since he’s well…famous, and I bet you don’t want your confidences splashed all over the gossip rags… I swear, he doesn’t know I’m calling you…”

“Oh, no need to swear! I didn’t think you were spying for him… and yes, coffee would be great, thank you!”

They agreed to meet uptown after her shift the next day – Lea hadn’t been south of 30th Street since the break-up – and Lea hung up the phone, feeling slightly cheered.

Now that she’d been given the option Lea realized that she did want to talk about it after all. And Merritt was right, she couldn’t confide in just anyone. Her colleagues at work had already shown their true colors. She could never talk to any of them.

But here was someone who knew the dangers of gossip, and who would not betray her confidence.

*

“Hey Lea. How’re you doing?”

Merritt greeted her with a kiss on the cheek and a hug, and Lea suddenly found herself close to tears for the first time since the break-up.

The other woman took one look at her, then firmly took her by the elbow and guided her into the chair opposite hers at the small table in the café’s front window.

“Sorry, that was a really dumb question. Here, I got you a latte… though now I’m thinking we should’ve gone to a bar for something stronger…”

“Oh Merritt…”

Lea wiped away the single tear she’d not been able to prevent sliding down her cheek. Merritt took her hand.

“Hey, it’s ok to be sad and angry… I don’t know what exactly happened, but of course people do talk…”

“I…I haven’t really looked at anything online… what is it people are saying?”

“You really wanna know?”

“Yes, I think I gotta face it, whatever it is, or this will never go away…” Lea tried to make her voice firm but couldn’t prevent it trembling slightly.

“From what I can tell… Norman and that woman…”

“Call her Diane. She’s still a person…”

“Of course. He and Diane had a thing for several weeks. Apparently she’s been after him for ages. She was all set on leaving Joshua. That’s her guy… But after…well, after you gave Norman his walking papers he kicked her to the curb, too. She’s spitting mad, apparently. Badmouthing him everywhere. Going on about promises…”

“She…she’s not a nice person…”

Merritt looked at her, puzzled. “Do you actually know each other? That’s even more messed up, then…”

“No, not really. I only met her once. She…oh, Merritt, I shouldn’t tell you, really. And it hardly matters now…”

“Go on. I won’t breathe a word.”

So Lea told her what had happened on the night she’d had the accident. When Lea finished her account Merritt’s eyes had grown hard as steel.

“I gather you never told him?”

“No… it didn’t seem… he was hurting so much after it happened, I didn’t want to add to it…”

Lea could feel her eyes fill with tears again, and she wiped them away impatiently. Merritt’s gaze was kind and sympathetic.

“It’s the dumbest thing, even though I’m so angry and upset and hope I never see him again… I still worry about him, and that he’s unwell…”

The other woman took her hand again. “It’s not stupid. He was very important to you there for a while, and it sounds like it was really intense, and a tough time, too. Why should those feelings disappear overnight? Sometimes we love and hate the same person equally strongly…and only those we allow into our hearts can really hurt us…”

“I really shouldn’t ask, but… have you seen him since…”

“I have.”

“How is he?”

Merritt looked at her searchingly, as if considering whether or not to answer. Then she sighed and looked down.

“Not good. We didn’t really talk, there were lots of people there that night. But he looked bad. Tired, and puffy around the eyes. And dazed, somehow. I didn’t see him talk much to anyone, but he…he drank a lot…”

Lea wiped tears away again. “Oh Merritt…what happened to us? I don’t understand it. Why didn’t he just break up with me? It would’ve broken my heart, but then at least I’d know that… that he didn’t love me. Now I keep wondering, and can’t move on. Why…”

Merritt patted the back of her hand and sighed. “Darling, I have a feeling he doesn’t have an answer to that question himself, either…”

 


	5. Chapter 5

“Today’s my lucky day…”

Lea looked up, right into a pair of smiling, velvet eyes. She smiled back automatically. Somehow, with these eyes on her she couldn’t help it. Lea felt herself blush.

“The cast coming off today, Jerome?”

“She remembers my name!” The handsome firefighter made a little mock fist pump gesture with his good hand, and Lea had to grin, despite herself.

“Is it healing well? No pain?”

“Not after the first couple days. The doctor upstairs said the cast will have given the tendons time to heal. I can’t wait for it to come off tho. Lots of things are damn hard when you can’t move your wrist…”

Jerome’s eyes widened slightly and now he was the one looking flustered. “I can’t believe I just said that…”

His face really was too funny. Lea laughed so loudly a few people standing close by looked around at her curiously. When she could breathe again she looked up at Jerome, still grinning.

“Don’t worry about it. I haven’t laughed like this in months, it felt great…”

He grinned back down at her. “So if I promise to make you laugh all night will you agree to go out with me?”

That sobered Lea up, but only for a moment. For once her heart made a decision before her head even had a chance to overthink things. She smiled, then gave a nod.

“Actually, that would be amazing.”

Now looking pleased with himself Jerome nodded. “Great. You free this Friday? I can come and pick you up from here.”

“Sure. But I don’t finish until 8pm. Got a review meeting for our study.”

“Perfect. Eight on Friday it is. Don’t eat a big lunch, I’ll take you to the most amazing Italian restaurant ever.”

*

Lea made an effort, for the rest of the week, to control her bingeing and by Friday had only had one evening of overeating in five days. She knew that regular meals and good nutrition made her function better at work, and more pleasant to be around. She genuinely wanted this date to be a success. Jerome was handsome and funny, and she was looking forward to spending time with him.

And this would distract her nicely from the misery that still bubbled up several times a day.

She brought her black dress to work on Friday and made sure to change out of her scrubs, shower and get dressed before she went to the review meeting. Many of her colleagues did this regularly, especially when these late meetings fell on a Friday. Usually Lea didn’t bother, so there were some raised eyebrows around the room when she turned up looking better dressed than she ever did at work, but there were no comments.

When she came down into the ER after the meeting had finished Jerome was waiting for her. He got up from the seat he’d taken in the waiting area and came toward her, smiling.

“You look very nice.”

He touched her lightly on her bare arm when he kissed her cheek, and Lea felt a small, almost happy flutter in the pit of her stomach.

“Thank you… Sorry I’m a few minutes late…”

Jerome looked down at his watch. “All of two minutes. I’ve been wondering about it, and I think you just confirmed it. You’re German, aren’t you?”

Lea smiled. “Always on time, of course… but I would’ve thought you could tell by my accent anyway?”

“Only very slightly. You sound almost entirely British. It’s a sexy mix, I have to say…”

The look he gave her definitely made her heart beat faster.

“So, where are we going?”

Jerome put his hand lightly in the small of her back as they walked across the ER and Lea’s goosebumps intensified. She was aware of the nurses at reception looking at them, and she saw two of them put their heads together, muttering. She couldn’t care less. For the first time in weeks she actually felt good about herself.

“Dinner and a movie,” Jerome replied. “I’m a traditional kinda guy.”

Lea looked up at him and smiled. “Works for me. No surprises…”

At that he frowned. “Something happened to you recently, didn’t it? You seem sad…”

For a moment Lea was tempted to shrug off the question and tell a lie. But hadn’t lies gotten her into this mess in the first place? No more secrets, she decided.

But maybe not all the details just yet either. Lea stopped in front of a loading bay right next to the gate leading into the hospital grounds. She found she couldn’t look at Jerome, but she was determined now to tell him at least some of what had happened.

“I broke up with my…the last guy I was seeing only a few weeks ago. It was… it wasn’t very nice. Pretty awful, actually, and I’m still not over it.” Now she glanced up at him. “If that’s a deal breaker I’d totally understand…”

Jerome’s eyes on her were gentle and sad. He reached for her hands and brought them up to his chest, holding on tightly.

“That guy’s an idiot, then. And if he hurt you in any way, then he doesn’t deserve you. But I’m glad,” and now he smiled the sweetest smile imaginable, “because now I get to have a chance. I’m a lucky guy…”

And with that he leaned down and kissed Lea. She tensed for a moment, but when his arm came around her shoulders and he held her in a strong but gentle embrace against himself she finally leaned into the kiss.

This felt right. And he was a good guy, a decent person, she could already tell. Maybe this could be more than just a nice distraction.

They went onto the subway holding hands, Jerome leading the way. He started telling Lea about himself and his family, and soon she was so engrossed, fascinated and amused that she hardly cared where they were headed. Jerome had a talent to make her laugh even when describing very mundane things about his life.

He was the oldest of five brothers. He’d grown up on a housing project in Queens, raised mainly by a single mom and his maternal grandmother. Lea couldn’t stop giggling for a good five minutes when he imitated what he called her “scare the faith of Jeeesus into the lil’uns” voice. He really was too funny.

“From when I could barely walk mom insisted I’d go to college. She never let me have a paper around, or any kind of weekend job. Somehow she paid for private tutoring, all to help me get a scholarship at NYU. And it worked. I did two years of pre-law. But then 9/11 happened.

“I was supposed to go downtown that day for my first day of a week-long work placement. Never even made it past 110th Street. I got out at Central Park North, that’s where we were when all the trains stopped. I walked to the corner of Central Park, and we just stood there… those dust clouds, it was the scariest thing I’d ever seen. And those images, they just stayed with me. I’d never considered it before, but after that day, seeing what the firefighters had done for my city, it just wouldn’t let me go… You got no idea what it was like, Lea…”

They were sitting crammed into a narrow two-seater bench on one of the most ancient subway cars Lea had ever seen. Lea had her eyes on Jerome, but he wasn’t looking at her. Instead he was staring at his folded hands, lost in thought. Lea liked this thoughtful, contemplative side of him even more than the clownish, entertaining one from before. She reached over and inserted her fingers into his hands. He looked at her and smiled, a little sadly.

“I was at UCLA then,” Lea said. “I’ve never told anyone this, but…seeing the whole thing on TV, it’s what made me want to specialize in emergency medicine. All these people, so scared, and hurt. I wanted to be able to help them, right away… It’s such a cliché…”

“No, babe,” and now he was smiling properly again, “it really isn’t…”

They didn’t speak much for the rest of the journey, lost in thought, but keeping their fingers intertwined. At Bleeker Street Jerome straightened up.

“Hey, let’s get off here. It’s not cold, and we can walk through Soho a bit. I don’t come down here much now, but it’s my favorite place to people watch in the city.”

They strolled through the streets around Broadway, looking into shop windows, giggling like children at the groups of tourists ambling around, looking either lost or deeply in awe.

After a while Lea realized just how close they were getting to Norman’s block. Her heart beat a little faster, but she chided herself not to be silly. Most likely he wasn’t even in the city. But she couldn’t help it, she was getting more and more nervous with every street they crossed.

“Are we almost there?”

“Only one more block.” Jerome looked at her, frowning. “You ok? Bet you’re hungry, huh? You remembered to leave lots of room for dinner?”

Lea nodded, trying to smile. But she let go of his hand and put both of hers in her coat pockets, balling them into tight fists.

She knew she should just tell him she wanted to go somewhere else. This was getting much too close for comfort. What if…

But she didn’t say anything, and tried to push the thoughts away. What if, anyway? She had to leave this chapter of her life behind, that break-up couldn’t dictate where in the city she could and couldn’t go.

Still, when they reached the restaurant Jerome had chosen for them Lea felt sick with misery.

It was right on the corner of Norman’s block.

The first twenty minutes or so inside Lea was in a complete daze. She had no idea why she didn’t just tell him that she’d changed her mind and could they please go somewhere else. What did she have to lose? Or, and that thought sickened her even more, was she secretly hoping for Norman to appear? How sick was that?

Jerome, excited about his restaurant choice, noticed nothing. “Is it ok if I order for us both? They have these excellent starters, we need at least four of them…”

“Sure.”

Anything, to keep him distracted. The fact that she happened to be out with a foodie who was happy for her to eat as much as she could of everything he ordered would usually have pleased her, and helped her to work on getting her eating back under control. Now the mere thought of food made her feel queasy.

The longer they were at the restaurant the more miserable Lea felt. Her initial panic that Norman would suddenly turn up were replaced by the now depressingly familiar ruminations about what had happened. All the thoughts she thought she’d finally been able to suppress in the last few days bubbled back to the surface.

How could she not have realized what was going on?

Why had he done this to her?

And why – Lea hated herself for that thought – had he not once tried to contact her?

When the starters came she hardly touched a bite.

“Lea…”

It was Norman, of course this had to happen…

It was like the set-up in a bad romance novel, where the heroine encounters the man who broke her heart and now repents, falling down on one knee, begging her forgiveness.

And of course nothing like that happened.

Lea looked up at the sound of her name, a piece of bread in her hand which she’d been absently dipping in a dish of olive oil for several minutes already. Jerome, who had been selecting antipasti while telling Lea about all the different dishes he’d ordered, stopped talking. Lea thought he glanced around at Norman, who was standing directly behind Jerome’s shoulder, but she couldn’t be sure. Her focus was entirely on the man staring at her across the table.

He looked bad. Baseball cap low on his forehead, hiding eyes more red and puffy than Lea had ever seen them except during the worst migraine attacks. He was very pale, his hair looking tangled and unwashed. Under his beat-up leather jacket Lea could see that Norman was wearing the oldest, rattiest t-shirt he owned, sporting many holes. He was in sweatpants, which Lea had never seen him wear outside the house.

Norman just stood there, looking at her, his eyes overly bright and, Lea was pretty sure, close to tears again. He kept twisting his hands into those painfully tight knots Lea hated so, and she had to fight the urge to get up and unclench his fingers for him. She couldn’t stop staring at his hands, her every fiber aching with the pain he was causing himself.

And why didn’t he speak, or move? Lea had the feeling Norman hardly knew where he was. Her heart hurt for him, as much as she didn’t want to feel anything but hate. She missed him so terribly…

Something caught her attention from the corner of her eye and she wrenched her eyes away from Norman. Jerome had turned around and was now looking at her, confusion on his face. He reached across the table for her hand, and Lea thought she saw Norman flinch.

“Lea, what…”

At that moment someone stepped up behind Norman, taking him by the arm gently as Lea watched. She recognized the dark-haired man as one of Norman’s friends. She seemed to remember that his name sounded Greek, but she couldn’t recall what it was.

The man threw Lea a helpless look, then glanced at Norman anxiously.

“Norman, c’mon, let’s go…”

And Norman went, meekly. Lea saw him stagger slightly as he turned, and his friend put an arm around him protectively. Lea wondered whether Norman was sick, or drunk.

Or possibly both.

She watched as they left the restaurant and disappeared from view down the street. Jerome leaned forwards, trying to catch her eye, but Lea found she couldn’t look at him.

“Was that…?”

“Yes.”

“Is he the guy who…?”

“Yes.”

“Lea…wow…”

“Will…will you take me home? Now?”

*

They hardly spoke on the subway ride to Lea’s place. On some level she felt touched that Jerome would even agree to come with her. She wouldn’t have blamed him in the slightest if he couldn’t have gotten away from her fast enough. When they got off the first train and walked through the station to the other platform he took her hand. Lea let him, but she still couldn’t meet his eyes.

Outside her house Lea stopped, rummaging for her keys. She was startled out of her dreamlike numbness when Jerome stepped right in front of her and took her by the upper arms, and Lea reluctantly glanced up into his kind, worried eyes.

“I’m sorry about what happened to you. I can tell you’re far from over whatever happened between you two.” He took a deep breath. “This is most likely a terrible idea but… do you want me to stay the night? No obligation, no tit for tat. I’m just thinking it might make your heartache a tiny little bit better…”

Lea felt her eyes fill with tears at the realization that, had circumstances been different, this guy would’ve been perfect for her. When a tear spilled over and ran down her face Jerome gently wiped it away.

“I…” There was a tremble in her voice and Lea cleared her throat before trying again. “I don’t want to take advantage of you…”

“You’re not. I’m offering. I like you, a lot… You shouldn’t be alone, you’re so sad…think of me as a friend who wants to help. I could be accused of taking advantage of you too…but what does that even mean? We’re two consenting adults, we can do whatever we like, why should we care what other people think…”

“You’re too nice…”

Jerome smiled down at her. “Yeah, I’ve been told that before. Make the most of it, us nice dudes are rare…”

“Isn’t that the truth…”

He cupped her face in his hands, eyes never leaving hers. Through a haze of tears Lea returned his gaze, then, finally, gave a small nod.

Jerome leaned down and kissed her. Lea’s heart was hurting, and the despair she felt did not diminish. Yet she was glad to have this kind, gentle friend at her side, and for once was eager not to be alone. She clung to him hard as they climbed the stairs to her apartment, tears running down her face.


	6. Chapter 6

His head’s splitting in two. He’s so used to it, it hardly bothers him. And it’s not even migraine-bad. It’s the fucking pills, they’re really something else. The devil’s own. His big punishment.

He buries his burning forehead in the pillows with a groan. The room is spinning, almost as if he were back on that fucking boat.

Okay, okay, it’s not the pills. Or not just, though the pills on their own are bad enough. But this time, it’s the booze, and it’s his own fucking fault. He knows not to mix the two. Or at least he should, by now.

The pillow pressing into his face actually helps deaden the pain. Pressure on his bad eye is soothing, he’s found that to be true more and more over the last few months. The vision in that eye is getting worse, he knows he’ll need to have it checked, and soon. But as with everything else at the moment, he just can’t get it together enough to get shit done.

He just about functions when he has to, turns up where they tell him. He’s been to Texas to film the second to last episode of his show, and that went as well as could be expected. He almost enjoyed himself down there, with the bonfire and s’mores, and messing around with the chickens.

There’s no memory of her down there. He could almost forget what happened.

What he’d done.

How stupid he’d been.

His head gives a throb and he groans. His stomach hurts so much. He curls up on his side, arms wrapped around his middle. He can hear the angry gurgling in his tummy, but wills the nausea down. _No more puking, please…_

His friends want him to stop with the Elavil, but he can’t. She told him to give it a try, and he owes it to her. She was always right about these things, and this is the last bit of her he’s got left. He has to do what she said. He’s disappointed her enough.

His doc.

His baby girl…

No, he mustn’t call her that. She told him never to call her that again, he’s got to remember it.

He hurt her so much. How could he have done this? She didn’t deserve anything like it.

She was the best thing that’s ever happened in his life and he fucked it all up.

He’s such a fucking loser.

He doesn’t deserve her.

But he deserves this. The pain, and the sickness. That’s also why he’s still taking the awful pills. The dizziness when he gets up in the morning, the inability to concentrate on anything. The feeling of despair, the fear – all of it reminds him of what he did to the best woman who ever agreed to be with him.

Even the fact that he can’t cum while he’s on the fucking meds, he knows, is part of his comeuppance.

The fucking irony.

Tonight has been the biggest shock. She was right here, right around the corner from his house. He knows why that is, the universe is still out to punish him. He's hurt her, now she's hurting him.

He doesn't blame her.

And she deserves to be happy. He hopes she will be, with that guy he saw. If she chose to go out with him then he's got to be a good man. It's not hard, really, finding one better than himself.

He hopes it works for the two of them, even though it rips his heart to shreds. No, precisely because it does.

He doesn’t deserve to be happy, he’s always known that. He just keeps hurting people, and every time his soul gets a little bit blacker, his life a little more devoid of color.

But he can’t help himself…he wishes desperately that he could get her back. There are all these things in his head that he wants to say, the different ways he wants to beg for her forgiveness. And late at night, they come out. He vomits them up, spews them out in endless pages of scribbled, garbled words. They’re on post-it notes all over the house. On napkins, the backs of cereal boxes, in notebooks, on the back – and front – of checks and bills. Sometimes there are hundreds, thousands of words, in his smallest, cramped writing when he’s sober, large and uncoordinated when he’s not.

Mingus has tried to tidy up the flood of verbiage, put it in a box, close the lid. Norman has never been that close to hitting his own son.

Mostly, on the notes even now littered around him, it’s just three words, over and over: _Please forgive me._ And when he can’t write them any longer because he’s disgusted to the point of throwing up – again – it’s the other three.

_The Big Three._

_I love you._

And it’s the truth.

Almost the moment she stormed off he had started calling the iPhone’s cell number, leaving voicemail after voicemail, just apologies, self-flagellations, until the beep would cut him off. And yes he knew all along she couldn’t pick them up. The remains of the pink phone are scattered around the penthouse, in the kitchen, the bathroom. In his coat pocket. By the bed.

More and more, as the days went by, he called to hear her voice, he admits it at least to himself. He pestered her into recording that message, just a few days before the awful night. He thinks it was the last time they laughed together. He’s memorized the message, can still hear it in his head, he listened to it so many times.

_“All right, stop nagging, you pest… Norman, nobody ever calls me on this number except you… oh all right, here goes: You told me, just now, to tell your future self to leave me a message. So go ahead, do it. Happy now?”_

When she got to his name, that soft British-German lilt to the r, so much like Andy, his eyes would fill with tears, every time. Now he can no longer hear it because the voicemail is full, and all he gets when he rings her number is an automated error message.

And yet, he still calls at least once a day. It’s more than a ritual now, it’s a compulsion. And he deserves the jolt to his heart every time that computer voice cuts him off.

Sometimes he thinks that the harshest punishment would’ve been to go the full mile and finish what he started. Date Diane, take her from Joshua and make it official. It would’ve been hell, being with her, and that would serve him right. But he chickened out there, too.

_Loser._

His thoughts are interrupted by the soft opening of the bedroom door. Norman lies very still and keeps his eyes closed. Maybe Panos will think he’s asleep and leave him be. The light creeping through the crack of the door hurts his head even through closed eyelids. It’s not as awful as the migraine, but his hackles rise anyway. What’s the fucking point of these fucking useless meds when they can’t even keep that fucking headache at bay?

_But it’s not the pills, is it? It’s the booze, and your own stupidity…_

_Don’t blame her. You did this._

_You fucking dick._

Soft footsteps approach, there’s a scraping along the floor by the bed, then the footsteps retreat toward the bathroom.

The water sputters on in the bath. Norman hates himself. All he is these days is a burden, a liability that needs looking after 24/7. No wonder everyone’s sick of him. At least she got away…

A minute later the room is briefly bathed in light coming from the bathroom, then that light clicks off. Soft sound of naked feet on wood again, then the scraping on the floor, and Norman’s mattress descends an inch as Panos sits down.

“Hey, man…”

A gentle hand on his bare back, and Norman tenses, then shudders, as though from a fever. He feels both hot and cold at the same time. The hand disappears.

“I put the bucket back, it’s right where it was…” Then, when Norman doesn’t reply Panos sighs. “Look at me, won’t you, doll?”

Norman almost doesn’t, half hopes Panos will just go away if he doesn’t react. But then he realizes just how dickish that is. His friend is doing his best to help.

So he turns over with a low groan and the room starts spinning again. Norman keeps his eyes closed tight, but it takes a minute before his head gets the message and he feels he can look up without puking.

“How’re you feeling?”

Panos’ eyes meet his with a worried gaze. Norman shrugs.

“Dunno…”

“Here, I got you this…”

Panos lifts a wet washcloth and places it gently on Norman’s forehead. Norman sighs involuntarily. The coolness is like heaven against his burning skin. He can feel tears pricking the corners of his eyes now. His oldest friend in the city, and he’s still here, still helps Norman’s stupid ass whenever he can. He doesn’t deserve this. Norman can hardly meet the other man’s eyes now.

“Y’should go home, man. Tobi’s waiting.”

Panos shrugs. “Tobi’s a big boy, he can look after himself for one night.”

His eyes on Norman are like an embrace as he raises a hand and strokes Norman’s face tenderly. “You need me more at the moment…”

Norman doesn’t want to cry. He doesn’t deserve the love, the attention from his friend. This gentleness. He wants to pull away from the caress, but then he stops himself. He knows his friend would get upset, and he can’t do that any more, upset the few people who still want to be around him.

But Panos gets it, can see his struggle. He’s always been amazing like that. That’s why they’re still friends, why Norman still trusts him implicitly, with his house, his kid. Their brief affair ended years ago, but Panos is still the closest Norman has to a relationship now. Why he still agrees to help him, though, Norman doesn’t get at all.

Now his friend withdraws his hand, briefly brushes Norman’s bare chest, then gets to his feet. Norman has to fight the urge to reach out, pull him back onto the bed, cover him in kisses like he used to. Curl up in his arms and go to sleep.

Instead he rolls over onto his side, pulls his legs up to his chest and closes his eyes. He hears another sigh from his friend, but doesn’t look up.

“Go to sleep now, doll. You’ll feel better in the morning…”

The soft footsteps fade away and the bedroom door closes noiselessly. Only when the light shining through the crack has almost disappeared does Norman realize he hasn’t said thank you once that day. He mutters it quietly under his breath now, but he knows it goes unheard.

Then he’s alone again, in the dark. _As it should be._

He’s scum.

He curls up tighter. He’s shivering now, but he doesn’t move under the covers. He can suffer some more, he deserves it.

He deserved being yelled at by his doc, too. She was so angry, he never thought she had it in her.

What did he expect? He still doesn’t know. He hardly understands what happened, it just doesn’t make any sense.

And the room won’t stop spinning… Norman presses one hand to his temple with a sob.

And why did it have to be Diane? He’d not even realized she’d been after him until it was much too late and she had him around her little finger. He’d barely spared her a thought once _Sky_ had wrapped. She’d been a bit demanding on set, sure, but so what? To him she’d been nothing but sweet.

What a stupid fuck he was. She wanted in his pants, of course she’d be sweetness itself…

Balling his hand into a fist he has to fight the urge to hit himself in the head with it. Instead he just digs his nails into the palm of his hand until he feels sticky warm blood seeping through his fingers.

It doesn’t even hurt, but the thought of it makes him feel properly sick again.

_Good._

Merritt has since told him what Diane did. She says it was an accident, and that Lea says not to blame Diane. But to Norman that makes no sense. Diane left his girl lying on the stairs, injured. She nearly bled to death, just over there, in the bathroom. She could’ve helped. But instead she just laughed.

The memory of that self-same laugh, ice cold and sharp like glass, rises in him, together with real hatred.

_Good riddance._

That’s what Diane had said, after Lea had smashed her phone and stormed off. He’d stood frozen in horror, but he’d heard that laugh, and the words. _Good riddance._ Had she really thought he’d turn to her for consolation, after that? He would’ve rather cut off his arm.

He’d told her to fuck off, then and there, and it had almost felt good, slamming the door in her mocking, triumphant face. Then he’d broken down, just let himself crumple into a heap on the floor, curled up, sobbing.

He’d stayed like that for hours.

The shame of it all, the misery of the memory, engulf him again. Norman can taste copper at the back of his throat, and his stomach gives an angry gurgle. He can feel his gorge rise, and only just manages to get his head over the side of the bed in time, estimating where Panos put the bucket, when his stomach turns over.

While he retches, insides twisting painfully, he finally feels something resembling peace.

This is what he deserves. Nothing less.


	7. Chapter 7

It took Lea over a week before she could go a whole shift at work without crying. Usually it overcame her when she was in the staff room, working on her notes or on a break, and her mind relaxed for a moment. She’d sprint into the nearest bathroom, or outside, to hide herself away until the tears were all gone.

Initially she thought she was crying for herself, what she’d lost, and the betrayal, but then she noticed that what set her off was usually that memory of Norman at the restaurant, looking ill and desperately sad, wringing his hands, unable to speak. She felt incredibly angry with herself that she let herself worry about him when he’d been the one to break her heart, but she couldn’t stop it happening.

Before Jerome left the apartment on the morning after their aborted date he had given her his phone number and had told her to call him whenever she needed him – “Just as a friend”. But Lea didn’t call, and had a feeling that she wouldn’t, ever. She felt incredibly guilty about using him like she had, despite his reassurances.

Maybe she just needed a break from men in general.

She should’ve known that thoughts like this conjure up your demons faster than anything else.

It was halfway through her shift ten days after the run-in at the restaurant that Lea received a phone call on her cell. She’d taken to carrying her original phone at work after she broke up with Norman, slightly annoyed how quickly having her cell on her during work had become important. She felt almost naked without it now.

The little screen, when she pulled the phone out of her pocket stopping halfway down the corridor, read _Number withheld_. Lea knew that usually meant a sales call. Since she was just about to go on a break she took the call. Sometimes hanging up on cold callers could be strangely satisfying.

“Hello?”

“Is…is this Lea?”

“Who’s asking?”

“It’s Sean Flanery…Norman’s friend. I got your number out of his phone…”

A jolt like an electric shock went through Lea. Was this Norman’s doing? Had he decided to get in touch, and so cowardly, too?

“Lea, you there?”

“What do you want?” Lea had to force the words out, past her heart hammering with suppressed fury. “Is he trying to torment me by sending his friends after me now?”

“What? No, no… I swear! Listen, I… he needs your help…”

“Why?” Lea still wasn’t convinced this wasn’t just Norman – or possibly Sean himself, she hadn’t gotten the best impression of him back in Harlem – torturing her. But her stomach started twisting with a sense of foreboding nevertheless.

“He…he’s really sick…”

Lea almost held her breath. She couldn’t help the icy fear creeping through her veins.

“Details, Sean…”

“I think he OD-ed, on those pills…”

There were muffled noises at the other end, it sounded like slurred words. Lea thought she could hear the word _No_ , over and over.

“Sean, you there?”

“Norman, no, stay here… Yeah, yeah I am…”

“So he’s conscious?”

“Just about…he keeps trying to get up, but he’s gonna fall down. It’s like he’s totally toasted… Can you come here and help me?”

“No, Sean! He needs to go to hospital. Call an ambulance, now!”

“He won’t want that…”

“I don’t care what he wants. If that’s still Elavil he’s on he could die, even from a small overdose. I’m not joking, Sean. Call an ambulance, now!”

“Ok…”

He sounded scared now, no more cockiness evident.

“Tell them how much he took, if you can.” Lea was already hurrying toward the staff room. “Tell them to go to the Presbytarian’s ER, it’s closest. Don’t even think about coming here…”

“All right…”

“I’ll meet you there as soon as I can. Text me an update when you get to the ER, and your number. And now, call 911!”

Lea didn’t wait for a response, just hung up. Then she speed dialed Chris, the junior doctor on call. She knew he was in the building, and he owed her a favor. She’d taken some of his shifts recently, to keep herself busy.

As she got her bag out of her locker, then gathered together her notes, phone clamped to her ear, Lea thought how ironic it was that she was using her brownie points now to rush to Norman’s side, when he was the reason she’d done all this overtime in the first place.

Sometimes, Lea thought, a life without feelings would be a whole lot easier.

*

Lea took the subway, she was in no condition to drive. It seemed to take forever, and as she sat, bouncing one leg nervously, she thought that a taxi would’ve been the better solution. She wasn’t enough of a New Yorker yet for that to have been obvious sooner.

She kept telling herself that even if she got there ten, twenty or even thirty minutes earlier there wasn’t actually much she would be able to do for Norman. It wasn’t her ER, she had no privileges.

Why, then, was she going at all? She had no interest in actually speaking to him.

And then there was the knotty question of what exactly had happened. Had Norman OD-ed on purpose? Tricyclics were notoriously tricky to get right consistently, and the dose she remembered him being on was quite high. Had it been a simple case of taking a couple of accidental double doses? Whatever the reason for the overdose, Lea couldn’t kid herself. She was desperately afraid. Even a small overdose could have serious consequences.

And if it hadn’t been a mistake, why had he done it? Did he want to punish her? Had he wanted to force her into making contact again?

Whatever you do, she told herself, don’t give into the temptation of actually talking to him.

But then, what if he _did_ die, and the last thing she’d said to him had been in rage?

That thought propelled her to her feet, and for the rest of the journey she stood in the train carriage’s doorway, biting down on her thumbnail nervously.

Sean’s text update had arrived before she’d even left the hospital. He must’ve called 911 the moment she hung up, and it took the response team less than thirty minutes to get Norman to the ER.

_At Presbt now. He’s still awake, they took him away for treatment. Am in the waiting area, find me. S_

When Lea finally rushed through the double doors into the alien yet disconcertingly familiar ER environment her mind was frazzled and her gut in painful, icy knots.

“Lea!”

Sean had clearly been on the lookout, pacing on the far side of a surprisingly small waiting area. Lea hurried over to him, and he took her arm and led her into a slightly secluded corner. Out of the corner of her eye Lea thought she saw people staring at Sean.

He was wearing a baseball cap, which Lea recognized as one of Norman’s. His face was pale, and he looked scared. Lea’s eyes fell on the arm which was guiding her by the elbow. The jacket sleeve was soaked.

“He puked on me, in the ambulance.” Sean let go of her arm. “Never mind…”

“How is he?”

“The doctor says he’ll be fine. He’s asleep now… Lea,” Sean leaned closer and gripped her arm again, “they want to send him to the Psych ward for observation. They can’t keep him there, it’ll never stay secret…”

“Sean, he needs help…”

“This wasn’t a…” Sean glanced around nervously, then continued in a whisper, “This was _not_ a suicide attempt…”

“How can you be so sure?”

Sean looked at her helplessly. “I’ve been with him for three days now… he was the same today as he’s been since… you know… Real quiet, but that’s just him, now… and then suddenly he started getting confused, and all shaky and pale…”

Lea could see the fear on Sean’s face now, and it hurt her, to think that Norman had scared his friend so much. Then she frowned.

“Why did you think it was his meds at all, and that he might’ve OD-ed?”

“They’ve been fucking his head up this whole time. When he was even weirder than normal meds were the first thing popped into my head. But I’m sure he just took the mid-day dose twice by accident… He can’t go to Psych, Lea…”

“It’s not my decision to make. This isn’t my ER…”

“But you can talk to them? Doctor to doctor, y’know…”

“Sean…”

“Let’s… let’s go see him first.”

Lea hesitated. She didn’t want to see Norman. No, not true. What she didn’t want was for him to know she was here. She _did_ want to see him, make sure, with her own eyes, that he was ok. Sean had said he was asleep… She nodded, against her better judgement, but didn’t speak.

Sean led her down a busy hallway, making for one of the many doors. Lea frowned.

“There should be a security guard here…”

“I told them!” Sean sounded annoyed. “They’re a bit slow…”

He reached across Lea for the door handle and pushed it down quietly. Lea hung back, but peered past Sean into the room.

Norman was indeed asleep on the high, narrow examination bed, propped up high enough that Lea thought sleeping like this must be pretty uncomfortable. The metal bars had been raised on both sides, and Lea saw with some disquiet that Norman's arms were shackled to them with soft restraints.

“Why did they restrain him?” she whispered to Sean.

“He tried to get up and wouldn’t hold still. Got pretty agitated…” When he saw Lea frown he hastily added, “He was confused. He didn’t mean to resist them helping…”

Lea decided not to challenge Sean again and her eyes returned to Norman. His face was waxy pale and sweaty, and even in sleep there was a deep crease on his forehead as if he were in pain. There were two spots of color high in his cheeks, and Lea realized with a jolt that she knew him well enough to diagnose a fever even from this distance.

Below an oxygen mask Lea could see that his chin was smudged darkly with activated charcoal. Some of it had run down his neck and stained the front of his hospital-issue night gown. Lea frowned again. They never used gastric lavage on tricyclic OD patients at Langone. The evidence for the benefits was just too inconclusive.

Caught up in her thoughts Lea nearly missed the first signs of Norman stirring, and quickly retreated back into the corridor, nearly stumbling, then leaned heavily onto the wall. Sean looked around, puzzled, but then let the door to Norman’s room fall shut noiselessly.

“You’re not going in?”

“I…I can’t… You go. Stay with him, he shouldn’t be alone. And take those restraints off his arms.”

Lea felt suddenly very angry. Even confused Norman would’ve been manageable without them. Restraints were a tool of lazy nursing more often than not.

“I’ll try to talk to the Psych team… No promises,” she added when Sean looked relieved. “I’ll call you when I know more. And I’ll get security down here, too.”

“You’re not coming back.”

It wasn’t a question, but Lea shook her head anyway, heart aching in her chest.

“I’m helping because I can. But this…” she motioned at the door behind which Norman was most likely waking up now. “He has to get out of this himself. If he did it on purpose…”

“He didn’t…”

Lea ignored him. “He needs to not want to die, Sean. I can’t do that for him.”

*

“Hello?”

“Sean, it’s Lea.”

“Hey…you still at the hospital?”

“Yeah, I’m upstairs. Listen…”

Lea was walking along a quiet corridor, peering into rooms as she went. Through a little window on a door at the end of the corridor Lea spotted what looked like a supply room. She tried the door, it was unlocked. Better not risk being overheard with what she had to say. Lea glanced around then quickly went into the room and closed the door behind herself.

“You there, Sean?”

“Yeah, I’m here…”

“Right… I talked to the psychiatrist on duty. I really shouldn’t have, you know…”

“I do know, yeah…” There was a sigh at the other end of the line. Sean liked this no better than she did, Lea realized. The mess she was getting involved in again just to help Norman... But she pushed the thought away. She knew she’d always help him if it was within her power, and she had better learn to live with that fact.

“He has to stay in the hospital, for sure. It doesn’t have to be Psych, I’ve already spoken with Internal, they have a room free for a private patient… The stuff he took, it’s not so straightforward for the body to eliminate. It can take up to 36 hours. He could take a turn for the worse at any time. Sean, make sure he stays at least until tomorrow night. Day after tomorrow would be better. If he doesn’t, and something happens…”

“I get it, I get it… I’ll make sure he stays… Christ!”

Sean sounded properly scared now. Good, Lea thought. At least she was getting her message across. Hopefully that meant he was listen carefully now.

“Someone from Psych will come down soon. I’ve already half convinced them it was an accidental OD…”

“It was!”

“I wish I was as sure as you… but never mind what we think. He’s gotta convince the psychiatrist. He’ll be a hard nut to crack…”

“Pretending is what we’re good at, darling.”

Sean didn’t sound smug now, only tired, and Lea actually felt sorry for him. Her voice was gentle when she said it, but she felt justified in asking, “And you really think that’s a good thing?”

There was a pause, then another sigh.

“No, I don’t.”

Lea didn’t say anything to that, but there was one more thing she felt she had to bring up.

“Sean, he needs help. I tried to get him into therapy, but I don’t think that worked…”

“You gotta try again.”

“No, Sean, not me. He needs to do it himself. I can send you some therapist suggestions, but he’s got to initiate it himself, and he’s got to want it.”

“He’d do it for you. Lea, he talks about nothing but you. He’d do anything for you…”

“But don’t you see,” Lea interrupted, frustrated now. She took a deep breath. None of this was Sean’s fault, he was struggling to come up with ways to help his friend. When she spoke again she was as gentle as she could be.

“I’m part of the problem, Sean. I can’t be the solution, it doesn’t work like that.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Warning: There is a spoiler in this chapter for this week's episode (6x14)!**

It was the hardest thing, not contacting Norman, or Sean, after what had happened. Lea fought the urge every single day and even went so far as to leave her phone in her locker again. That didn’t work at all. Whenever she did so her brain was filled with an indeterminate sense of dread and she couldn’t concentrate. She told herself that this was patently ridiculous. If something were to happen, having her phone on her wouldn’t make the slightest bit of difference. And anyway, she’d made it clear to Sean that she wouldn’t help any further, so why would he or Norman contact her?

Still, after a few days Lea gave up and slipped the phone into her lab coat again before she stepped out into the ER.

Sean had sent her a message once Norman had left the hospital. Lea hadn’t replied. It had hurt her, but she knew it was for the best. They all needed distance, now.

Merritt became increasingly important to Lea during the next few weeks. When she’d realized how much Lea was struggling with the whole thing Merritt started calling or texting daily to check how she was doing. Lea was very grateful, even though she found it difficult to put her gratitude into words.

They didn’t speak about Norman all that much, but the topic wasn’t taboo. Merritt did share with Lea what she could find out, even if only to help her keep the worries at bay. Merritt and Norman didn’t move exactly in the same circles, but they had mutual acquaintances, and so Merritt learned that there was actually not much going on with Norman at all.

For several weeks everything was very quiet around him. He seemed to be doing nothing at all, and as far as Merritt could glean he was just staying under the radar and at home. It made Lea nervous.

“Don’t worry,” Merritt tried to soothe her one day over coffee. “It’s a good sign. He’s resting, that much is clear, and he’s probably getting stuff sorted, finally. If he wasn’t well I’d know. It’d be on the grapevine, and someone would tell me since we’re colleagues. They’d want my intel.”

Lea tried her best not to let her worry over Norman rule her entire life. She threw herself into her work as she did whenever something upset her. The data from their study was finally coming in, and Lea spent long days on statistical programs, checking their findings against literature and liaising with the different researchers involved at the various first response units. She found the work fascinating and was glad to mix her clinic routine up a bit.

She had also been out with Merritt and her friends a few times, to the theatre and to dinner. It was a nice group of women, all with fascinating careers and lives of their own, and their company took Lea’s mind off Norman nicely. She sometimes felt like living in the middle of an episode of _Sex and the City_ , but in a good way.

Then, one day in late March, Lea had a phone call as she was just getting into her car in the hospital car park.

“Hi Lea, it’s Merritt. Sorry I didn’t call or text today…”

“You’re calling now, don’t worry about it. Everything ok?”

“Yes, everything is fine… I’ve just come home, I was at the Rockefeller Centre just now, taping for tonight’s Jimmy Fallon…”

Lea felt her legs getting wobbly under her and she quickly sat down in the driver’s seat. Her heart was beating rather fast.

“He was there, wasn’t he? And you didn’t want to tell me that you’d see him so you didn’t call…”

“That’s not exactly it… Yes, he was there. I didn’t want to tell you until after I’d seen him…”

“Is…is he ok?”

“He’s fine, really, he is. Lea, I think we should watch it together, tonight. I’ll bring pizza and wine. Text me your address and I’ll be there for 10pm.”

*

Lea had agreed quickly. Now that she knew Norman was on TV that night she didn’t want to have a huge battle with herself trying not to watch it. And having Merritt there would help, she was sure. She had to stop overthinking these things. Somehow, she and Norman were still linked, and she had a feeling that wouldn’t change anytime soon, whatever she tried. _And maybe_ , a small voice in her had recently started to whisper, _maybe this doesn’t have to be a bad thing…_

Merritt was bang on time, bringing the promised pizza in an enormous flat carton, and when Lea had waved her inside she placed the pizza on the coffee table and pulled a bottle of red wine out of her bag.

“You trying to put me into a food coma so I don’t throw the telly out the window?” Lea was trying to hit a light note, hiding her fear of overeating again. But Merritt frowned, and Lea was sure she wanted to ask her what the matter was.

“I’ll get glasses, and napkins,” Lea said hastily. She’d rather not discuss her eating issues just now. And anyway, she had almost found back to her usual control; making a big thing of it now could only be detrimental.

When she returned to the living room Merritt had lifted the lid off the huge pizza and was about to unscrew the wine. She indicated the pizza with the bottle.

“A bit of everything. I forgot to check if you’re vegetarian…”

“No worries, I’m not. This is the biggest pizza I’ve ever seen.”

“Welcome to America. Incredible as it sounds, that’s not even the biggest one on the menu.”

“Thank you for taking pity on my European sensibilities, then.”

Lea held out the glasses. Merritt filled them both, then took one and looked at Lea with affection.

“You’ll be surprised tonight, I’m sure of it. And you won’t regret watching him…”

“I’m trying to come at it with an open mind. I trust your judgement. You wouldn’t make me watch it if he’d been a total arse…” Lea waved at the sofa and armchair. “Let’s eat that beast of a pizza, might calm my nerves. Sit down…”

Merritt took the armchair and Lea walked around the coffee table and sat on the sofa. They ate and drank and talked of other things. It was a little forced, but somehow Merritt kept a conversation going. Then, after an hour or so she looked at her watch.

“Better turn the TV on now…”

Heart hammering, Lea obliged. She found she couldn’t look at Merritt now, but her friend seemed to understand. They sat quietly through the beginning of the show, then a commercial break.

“We’re on next,” Merritt said quietly from where she sat in the chair on Lea’s left. Hugging her quilt close Lea pulled her feet up onto the sofa. She felt suddenly cold.

Jimmy came back onto the screen and Lea balled her hands into tight fists.

“They’ve been on air now for almost six years, and they’re more popular than ever…”

Lea looked around at Merritt, swallowing down a lump that had seemingly lodged in her throat. “I don’t know if I can do this…”

Merritt got up out of the armchair and came over to sit by Lea’s side. She gently untangled Lea’s fingers from the quilt and smiled encouragingly, patting her hand.

“Yes you can. And you’ll thank me later.”

The first thing Lea noticed was that Norman looked better than he had in a long time. He wasn’t pale now, and his eyes were hardly puffy. No sign of fever on his face, and he looked rested. The nervousness Lea felt meant that her brain was oddly scrambled, but it was still a relief to see him smile, and looking well.

When they’d taken a seat Jimmy introduced Danai, Merritt and Norman. Lea only half listened to Danai telling Jimmy about her play. Merritt was still holding her hand, and Lea clung on for dear life.

Then Jimmy asked Merritt about the upcoming episode.

“I die this week,” said the Merritt sitting next to Lea quietly. Lea turned around, gaping.

“Oh no! I’m sorry…”

But Merritt waved her hand. “Don’t worry about it. I knew that when I got the job. It’s an actor’s life, darling. Some of us take it better than others…”

“I don’t know how you do it. I couldn’t work like that, ripped away from some exciting work, and my colleagues, as soon as I get used to a new job…”

Merritt smiled at her. “But you did the same thing in your career already, and not just once but twice. London, now New York… you moved away from all you knew, your family, friends, for good. See, I couldn’t do that…”

“Well, my work is really important to me…”

Now Merritt’s gaze was full of affection, and she looked strangely pleased. “There you have it. Hold that thought, it might help you understand him better. Now, it’s time…”

Lea followed Merritt’s gaze which had returned to the screen. Jimmy had turned his attention to Norman.

“Hi Norman, how are you?”

“I’m well, thanks, Jimmy…”

“We’ll talk about your new show in a minute, but first…” Jimmy turned to face the camera, looking unusually serious. “Norman has asked me if I would mind for him to make a brief statement. Of course I don’t mind…”

Jimmy looked like he wanted to say something else, but then thought better of it and beckoned to Norman, and the camera switched to him.

It was strange to have Norman look directly into the camera. Lea had the disconcerting feeling that he was looking straight at her, and whatever he said was just for her own ears. She gripped Merritt’s hand harder.

What on earth could he have to say?

He looked nervous and a little unsure. Whatever it was that was coming, Lea thought he had probably never done anything like it, in all his many hours in front of the camera. In her mind’s eye Lea could see his hands tied into knots off-screen.

“Hi, everyone…this is a bit weird, but I thought I should… There are rumors out there at the moment, about me being seriously ill, possibly dying. Look for yourself now...it’s not true…” He motioned at himself with a nervous laugh and shifted in his chair. “But it’s true, I’ve had some stuff going on with my health. I get migraines, you see, and they got real bad. But it’s getting fixed now, I’m much better already. I just wanted to let y’all know, I’m not dying, and I’m not in rehab either… Thanks, everyone, for all the well wishes and support, too. It means so much, you got no idea…”

He shifted again and looked down, and Lea thought for a moment he was done and the camera would swing away. But then Norman looked up again.

“I’m better now than I’ve been in a long time. My…someone close to me set me straight, and showed me how fucked up I’d let things become. I…I hurt that person terribly, and now I wish I’d listened to her better, before it was too late. She saved my life, she did... But there should’ve been much more…”

Norman looked away from the camera, and Lea thought she could see a tear glistening at the corner of his eye before the camera focused on Jimmy again.

“Heavy stuff, Norman. I’m glad you’re better. But you told me you’ve been working on your new show through all of this. Tell us…”

Lea turned to Merritt. “Did you know he’d been planning this?”

Merritt shook her head. “No. I don’t think anybody knew… I looked online when I got home, and my god, the internet is buzzing with rumors of him being on death’s door. I had no idea, it didn’t make it into any of the gossip I hear. There are pictures of him leaving the hospital with Sean, then all this stuff about him cancelling a couple of cons and postponing the filming of the last episode of the bike show…”

“I don’t look online anymore…”

“And that’s a good thing, believe me!”

Lea didn’t know if she really wanted an answer, but the urge to ask was strong. “Is…is there anything about me…about us…online?”

Merritt nodded. “There is. Not much. People seem to think that whatever you two had is over…”

“They got that much right, at least…”

“Do they, though? Lea, you dropped everything the moment he needed you…are you sure you don’t want to give this another chance?”

“Oh, Merritt…”

“Listen… I didn’t make any promises… I told him I wouldn’t bring it up if I didn’t think you could handle it, but… Norman gave me a message for you…”

Lea leaned back on the sofa. Her insides suddenly felt cold, and a tiny voice inside her head screamed betrayal.

Why would Merritt discuss her with Norman?

Merritt seemed to ready her thoughts. “It’s not what you think, we didn’t talk about you, really. He just held me back after the recording, in the green room. I wasn’t going to talk to him at all, but he looked so sad… all he did was ask me if we were still in touch…”

“What’s the message, then?”

“It’s exactly what you’d expect, but Lea…he really meant it, I could tell…” Merritt kept her eyes firmly in Lea’s now. “He said _‘Tell her that I’m sorry, and tell her I’ll always love her’_.”


	9. Chapter 9

Merritt took a taxi home shortly after that, even though Lea would have liked her to stay.

“I’ll sleep on the sofa, it’s quite comfy, and you can have the bed…”

“It’s not that.” Merritt looked at her regretfully as she buttoned her coat. “I gotta meet my agent tomorrow morning at an ungodly hour…or rather, today…”

Lea looked at the wall clock. It was almost one in the morning. “I’m so sorry, I should’ve realized…you came all this way, and now you’re going to be really tired tomorrow…”

“Don’t worry about it, darling. I couldn’t have left you to deal with this on your own today.”

Lea hesitated a split second, then went over to Merritt and hugged her friend tightly. “Thanks so much, for everything…”

“My pleasure. Just promise you’ll think about it, ok?”

Lea bit her lip, then nodded. As she walked Merritt to the door she could hear her friend’s words again in her mind.

_“Give him another chance. He deserves it.”_

Lea closed the door behind Merritt with a sigh. As she walked toward the bedroom she unbuttoned her cardigan, then shrugged it off and threw it over a chair. All the while her mind was busy with what Norman had said on Jimmy Fallon.

Had she really saved his life? No, Lea thought, he’d done that himself. It looked like he was finally getting the help he needed. The overdose, whether it had been deliberate or not, must’ve scared him properly.

Would she ever find out whether he’d meant to hurt himself?

Did it even matter?

And should she do what Merritt had suggested? Did Norman deserve another chance?

He’d hurt her so much. And there really was no excuse for it. When the cheating had started he’d not even been on Elavil yet. He’d simply been an arse. Was he not a grown man who had some control over his actions?

And _why_ had he done it? What was the motivation? She’d wondered all along why he hadn’t just broken up with her, but she’d never looked for the motivation behind his action. What had made him do it? Just because his behavior had been inexcusable didn’t mean there was no _reason_ for it.

Maybe she could at least let him explain his motives, even if she despised them. Then she would make up her mind about what to do next.

Lea had just sat down on her bed and was about to toe off her shoes when her phone rang.

“Oh great,” she muttered. The blasted thing was still in the living room. Maybe it was Merritt, maybe she’d forgotten something…

Hurrying back into the other room Lea spotted the phone right away, nestled on top of the quilt on the sofa. She scrabbled for it, nearly dropped it, then glanced at the screen.

It was Norman.

Her heart and brain, nearly on autopilot, screamed at her to dismiss and block his call. But at the last second she hesitated.

This wasn’t so unreasonable, to call her now. He had to know she’d seen him on the talk show, after having given Merritt the message for her. Was it so wrong that he was hoping Merritt had worked her magic?

Lea’s hands were shaking, her fingers felt icy.

She took the call.

“Norman, I saw…”

“Lea? Oh thank god…please, don’t hang up!”

He sounded frantic, more scared and shaky than Lea had ever heard him. Already on autopilot, with a terrible premonition that she’d have to leave in a hurry, Lea walked back toward the bedroom, picking up her cardigan on the way.

“What is it, Norman?”

“It’s Mingus…he…he had an accident…”

“What happened?”

“He was out with his friends…I think they got into a drunken fight…or some dare or shit like that…the heck I know… He fell down some stairs and hit his head. He was fine when he came home. I put him on the sofa and we were talking, and suddenly he…he just stopped…”

“Is he breathing?” Lea slipped back into the one shoe she’d been taking off when her phone had rung.

“He is, yeah…”

“You called an ambulance?”

“Right away…and then I called you…Lea…oh god, I can’t do this alone…”

“Of course not. Tell the paramedics exactly what happened, don’t leave out anything. Then tell them to take Mingus to Columbia’s Neurosurgery department.”

“Ok…”

Lea could see him in her mind’s eye, pacing his living room, could feel his fear, his desperation. It made her sick to her stomach.

“Norman, it’s going to be ok. Just stay with him, talk to him, and make sure he doesn’t stop breathing. But don’t move him. Text me when you’re en route. I’ll meet you there.”

“Lea, I… if he dies…”

“Listen to me, honey. He’s not going to die. But you have to be strong now, for him. He _needs_ you to be strong, he can’t do it alone either. Can you do that?”

“I…yeah…”

“Good! I’ll see you very soon.”

*

This time Lea called a taxi. From the moment she’d hung up the phone she was on the edge of a knife, her insides churning with fear. She’d told Norman Mingus would be fine, but she knew it had been at best an educated guess.

He would survive, she didn’t really doubt that. Norman seemed to have acted quickly, and the fact that Mingus hadn’t stopped breathing was a good sign. But the chance of coming out of this with some brain damage was very real. The best they could hope for was that it would be minor.

But how could she say that to a father?

In the taxi Lea tried to mentally prepare herself. It was one thing to see Norman again. But under the current circumstances none of what she would really like to say to him would be very appropriate.

How did she keep ending up in this situation, supporting him through one medical crisis after the next?

And yet, she was genuinely glad he had called her. It was a strange realization, but not as unexpected as she would’ve imagined.  The thought of his suffering cut into her heart, and she longed to be by his side and lend support. She willed the driver to go faster through the empty streets of Manhattan.

Norman called when she was about halfway.

“Hands are shaking…couldn’t type…”

“That’s ok. You guys are at Columbia?”

“Yeah, they just took him away…oh Lea…”

“Darling, it’ll be fine. I’m almost there, hang tight.”

He wasn’t in the ER when Lea finally arrived at Columbia. The night nurse told her that they’d taken Mingus upstairs for emergency surgery. As Lea rushed through another set of unsettlingly familiar corridors she steeled herself for the reunion.

It was nothing like she would have expected. After seeing Norman on TV Lea had hoped that, should she indeed make contact, they’d start off from a more relaxed footing, taking it slow and seeing how it would go.

But now it was like nothing had changed. When she spotted him in the corridor outside the OR department he looked as exhausted, pale and unwell as she’d ever seen him.

“Norman…”

He glanced up, and froze, thumb against his lips where he’d been biting down hard on the nail. Lea hesitated for a split second.

 _Fuck this shit,_ she thought. _He needs me now._

So she rushed at him and put her arms around him straight away, hugging him tight before she could change her mind. Startled, Norman also hesitated a second, but then wrapped his arms around her with a strange, choked-off sob.

Almost too late Lea realized that Norman’s legs were threatening to give way, and she struggled to keep him upright, her bad hip twinging.

“Nonono, Norman, c’mere, sit down…”

Somehow she got them both to a row of seats a few yards away against a wall. They went down heavily. Lea’s hip ached, but at least they didn’t crash to the floor.

Small mercies.

Lea grabbed on to his shaking hands and held them fast in both her own. His fingers were ice cold and clammy. He didn’t look at her, just stared at the floor, lips moving soundlessly. His face was pale and he looked like he might be sick any moment.

Just what they needed now.

“Norman, listen to me…”

She let go of his left hand and put her right gently against his chin. His head came up without a fight; he seemed hardly aware where he was.

“Honey, look at me, please…”

His eyes slowly focused and Lea held his gaze as she took both hands again and gently stroked his wrists with her thumbs.

His eyes were dark blue pools of pain. There were tears beading his lashes, but as Lea held on to his fingers and tried to convey calm through her gaze locked with his Norman’s flat, uneven breathing became more regular, and he finally gave a shaky sigh.

“You with me again?”

Lea knew she had to give him time. He couldn’t be rushed. This was Norman’s very own version of a panic attack; she’d finally learned to recognize the signs. And for the first time Lea acknowledged to herself that she couldn’t just fix him. Sometimes all she could do was to hold on for dear life as he worked through it himself.

Eventually he nodded, and Lea knew that he was ready to listen now, and talk to her.

“Is Mingus in surgery?”

No beating around the bush. Facts and actions first. There were several things to get out of the way before they could relax.

Norman nodded.

“Has the surgeon been out to talk to you yet?”

“No…no…he said…they’d prep him first, then he’d come to me…”

“We’ll wait right here, then.”

Norman nodded, but then he closed his eyes and hung his head. Lea was instantly alarmed. She knew the signs.

“Your new meds…did you take them tonight?”

Norman shook his head, keeping his eyes closed.

“Missed the lunchtime dose, too…”

He swallowed rapidly a few times, his hands grasping Lea’s hard.

“What do you take now?”

“’s called Effexor…”

“And do you still have the same script for Lioresal?”

“Yeah…”

Lea made to get up, but Norman’s eyes snapped open and he looked at her quickly. For a moment she thought she could see real panic in them. Squeezing his fingers she sat back down.

“I’m just going to get you some rescue treatment. You can’t fall out now…”

“Right…”

He sounded so exhausted Lea wanted to just wrap him up and put him to bed. But he’d never allow that now. Gently she let go of his hands and stroked his hair briefly.

“I’ll be back in a tick…”

It was surprising how far some faked authority and a quickly flashed badge could get you. Lea had no rights to practice at Columbia, but as part of her research she had a code card for the library, which she waved in front of the pimply night pharmacy attendant.

Five minutes later she was on her way back to the waiting area with two small pills of Lioresal rescue treatment and a paper cup of water.

There was a woman sitting next to Norman when Lea returned. Lea stopped a few yards away, uncertain. The woman looked vaguely familiar, with long, auburn hair held in a chaotic bun at the back of her head. She was clutching the hand of a boyish looking strawberry blond man who stood next to her, looking worried. Norman was still sitting hunched over with his eyes closed. From the set of his shoulders Lea could tell he was fighting real nausea now.

She hurried over to the strange group, passing by the man and woman for the moment. There was no time to lose, niceties could wait until she was sure Norman wouldn’t throw up over all their shoes any minute. Stopping right in front of him she crouched down and tapped him lightly on the leg.

“Sorry it took so long…” He opened his eyes and they met hers instantly. His were now full of suppressed tears of pain. “Can you still take these? Or…”

Norman nodded and took the pills with shaky fingers, threw them back, then washed them down with the water and a wince.

Lea watched him carefully for a minute, poised to help him to his feet and over to the sink just across from them on the wall. Only once she was sure that the pills and water were staying put did she straighten up, then turned her attention to the other two people, now looking at her curiously.

“I’m sorry…hi…” Lea extended her hand, “I’m Lea…”

The woman took the offered hand. “Helena, and this is Paul…”

Of course, Lea thought, Mingus’ mum and her boyfriend.

“I’m so sorry about Mingus…”

“Lea is an ER doctor,” Norman’s voice was hoarse and quiet, and he cleared his throat as he looked around at them. Lea could see that he still had trouble focusing on them, or even just talking. Lea stepped right up to him and put an arm around his shoulders, and he sank against her with a sigh.

“Lea told me to bring Mingus here…”

“They have the best neurosurgery department in the city,” Lea explained, and as if conjured the double door behind them opened and a doctor in scrubs appeared. He came straight over, looking slightly perplexed at their expectant faces.

“Err, Mr. Reedus…”

“Norman, please…”

Norman tried to get to his feet but couldn’t quite manage. Lea knew the Lioresal would’ve made him dizzy before it made the headache and nausea better, so she supported him by the elbow as he pulled himself to standing.

“Norman, ok…I…well…” He looked from Lea to Helena. “Who is the mother?”

“I am.”

Helena got to her feet too and the doctor seemed relieved to be untangling their set-up. He addressed the next words to both Helena and Norman.

“Mingus is stable right now. The CT scan shows a subarachnoidal hemorrhage…”

“Blood around the brain, where the fluid normally is,” Lea said automatically when Helena looked blank. Then she caught the doctor’s eye. “Sorry, ER doctor from Langone.”

“Ah,” he smiled. “Yes, exactly that. The bleeding is coming from a ruptured vessel which we have to repair.”

“You’ll have to open his head?”

Norman sounded like he was close to throwing up after all. Lea put her arm around his waist and he  gripped her other hand hard.

The doctor looked at him with worry. “No, we’ll insert a wire through a vein in his leg and all the way up into his skull. Recovery is much faster with that procedure. Luckily the bleed appears to be small… Norman, are you ok?”

Lea looked from the doctor around at Norman’s face and hastily put both arms around him securely so she could help him sit down again. He’d gone even paler, his lips looking almost bloodless.

“Sit down, honey…there you go…”

“He should lie down,” the doctor said to Lea, “Maybe take some Diazepam…”

“’m fine…”

The breathlessness betrayed Norman instantly.

“There’s a family waiting room at the other end of the corridor. You’re welcome to go there, it’s quiet and more comfortable…”

“I’ll take him there, thank you.” Lea smiled at the doctor. “But maybe, could Helena see Mingus before he goes into surgery?”

Lea glanced at the other woman who regarded her with gratitude, then turned to the doctor. “Would that be ok?”

“Of course.” The doctor caught Helena’s glance toward Paul and added, “You and your husband can follow me, I’ll take you through right now.”

He indicated the double doors he’d come through, then turned to Lea who was supporting Norman with one hand against his shoulder. “The family room is past the nurse’s station. If you or Norman need anything, just ask one of the night staff, they’ll be happy to help. I’ll come and update you as soon as I can.”

As the doctor ushered Helena and Paul through the double doors into the inner sanctum of the OR department Lea turned back to Norman. She sat down next to him and gave him a quick once-over. He kept his head lowered, and there was a thin sheen of sweat on his forehead. He still looked in danger of passing out and his cheeks were flushed.

“Let’s get you out of that jacket, you must be boiling…”

Norman didn’t resist when she started tugging on his puffy winter coat. Lea saw that he was still wearing the dress shirt he’d worn on Fallon, and when she leaned around him to free his other arm from the sleeve she saw that he’d sweated through the shirt on the back.

They sat for a few minutes in silence, Norman battling with the dizziness, but soon looking less pale. Slowly, his breathing also started to return to normal.

Lea let him lean into her, and she could feel the tension easing. Finally he lifted his head and glanced at her. He looked exhausted, and scared. Lea stroked his back a little and tried a smile.

“Better?”

Norman nodded, but just kept looking at her. When he eventually spoke his voice was scared and small.

“Will he be ok?”

Lea wrapped her arms around Norman and he held on to her hard.

“I think he will be fine. The doctor wasn’t worried, and he didn’t rush us. That’s really good.”

“Oh Lea…”

Norman sounded close to tears now, but Lea was anxious to move them out of the open before he got any worse.

“Let’s go to that family room. We’ll be more private there…”

He let her help him up, and Lea held him close as they walked slowly down the corridor, Lea carrying Norman’s jacket.

When they passed the nurse’s station a night nurse pointed them toward the right room upon Lea’s request.

“I’d expect you’ll have it to yourself all night,” the nurse said, then, with a look at Norman’s pale face, “There’s a water cooler in there, and I’ll bring you some coffee if you like…”

“That’d be great, thanks ever so much.”

The room the nurse had indicated was dimly lit by a floor lamp, and Lea left the ceiling light off. The Lioresal should’ve averted the worst of the migraine by now, but Norman’s eyes were still bound to be sensitive to light.

“Over here, honey…”

Lea led Norman to the largest of several sofas and helped him sit down. He went down with a quiet whimper and leaned back, eyes closed. Lea stepped over to the water cooler and got him a cupful.

“Here, drink this slowly. You’re overheated…”

She was a little worried by how meekly he followed all instructions. It was starting to dawn on her: This was what he did. When overwhelmed his instinct was to follow someone else’s lead, if the offer was there. Lea knew how dangerous that could be, but she understood completely. And she realized that it was unlikely to change. It had worked for him, and it was in his nature. There were some things, it seemed, that they would just have to learn to accept about each other.

And anyway, right now Norman’s son was just down the corridor, having his brain operated on. Lea didn’t need to have children to know that if anything would destroy all your defenses then it would be this.

Lea sat down on the sofa too, and when Norman had placed the empty paper cup on a nearby table she took his hands again. He turned his head which he’d leaned against the back of the sofa and looked at her, eyes pleading.

“Tell me he’ll be ok…”

For once Lea didn’t mind repeating herself. He needed to hear it.

“This is the best facility for brain surgery in the city. They will fix him, honey.”

All her instincts screamed at breaking the cardinal rule: Don’t give your patients false hope.

But he wasn’t her patient, and neither was Mingus. And anyway, she didn’t believe it was false hope. Recovery might take time, and there might be some permanent impairment, but they wouldn’t know that for some time. What Norman now needed was to stay calm.

Lea was distracted from her guilty thoughts when he leaned forward and let go of her left hand. His right came up to her face and stroked her cheek gently with still-icy fingers. Then he cupped her chin. Lea held still and let it happen.

“You came…”

Still she said nothing. Unsure what she wanted, or even what she felt, for once Lea had no words. But he didn’t seem to need her to speak.

“I hurt you so much, but you came to me… I never meant it to happen, I didn’t want to hurt you…I…I don’t know what that was. I’m messed up. ‘s no excuse though…something fights…something wants me…needs me to be unhappy. Here’s the thing, I don’t wanna…you’re different, and I wanted…I still do…could…could we start over? I love you…”

His eyes, so exhausted, red now and puffy, were starting to fill with tears again. Lea didn’t know what to do.

Would things change?

Did they have to? And what changes did she even want?

If all stayed as it was, did she want to be with him?

Suddenly the answer was crystal clear. Never mind what had happened, one thing was certain: She loved Norman. The thought of never seeing him again suddenly seemed like the worst punishment, worse than anything she could imagine happening if they gave this another chance.

How blue his eyes were, how unusual, even now when they were red and tired. And he was looking at her, just her, with this gaze of his, like he’d never look away again, like she was the centre of the universe.

Never leaving his gaze now Lea lifted her own hand and placed it gently against his face. His cheek felt warm under her hand, slightly wet from tears spilling over.

“Yes…yes I want us to try again. But there’s one thing…”

“Anything, babe…”

He sounded so scared it hurt.

“No more secrets. Whatever it is, we need to try and talk about it. Nothing can be as bad as keeping things from each other…”

There was hope now in his eyes, a tiny glimmer in all the pain and confusion, but Lea saw it, and knew he meant it when he looked down, nodding to himself.

“No more secrets. It’s a deal.”

*

They talked a little, while they were still alone. Norman told Lea about Nay, Imogen and Diane, which Lea found hard to hear, but necessary. And, surprisingly, once it was all out in the open she could forgive him easily. Of course she’d rather it had never happened, but what was done was done, not much use crying over it.

Then Norman told her about Jon, and their arrangement. “If it bothers you then I’ll end it. I told him I wouldn’t, but the way things are now…”

Lea, without a moment’s hesitation told him that that wasn’t necessary. “You’re friends, you love each other, and you’ve known him for years. It’s not a threat to us, is it? As long as the cards are on the table I don’t mind you two continuing your thing…”

Whether she would have the same attitude if it wasn’t Jon but another woman Lea didn’t know. She couldn’t think of it now, that much was certain. And the other elephant in the room was also left unacknowledged: Would Norman behave with the same equanimity if Lea ever wanted to have sex with other people? She just couldn’t burden him with that now, it wouldn’t be fair.

They also talked about the overdose.

“I swear, I dunno what happened. I was a mess, the pills made it worse, I felt so awful. I got real confused. I think I took a couple extra doses just cuz I couldn’t remember whether I’d taken them already… That day, I don’t remember much, but I felt so sick, my head hurt so much. I took a few extra pills, I thought maybe that’d help. Course I know that’s bullshit, now, but at the time it seemed logical. Totally fucking out of my mind, see…”

His eyes changed again then, he looked at her full of wonder and gratitude. “You saved me again, that day. Sean told me. And he told me what you said. That I had to not want to die…and then I realized I really didn’t…”

He looked exhausted now, and close to tears again, and when Lea suggested he should sleep a bit he didn’t hesitate. He curled up, his head in her lap, and fell into a feverish doze. The nice nurse had brought coffee, and wet cloths for Norman’s forehead, and Lea used some of those to wipe his face and bring his head some relief.

Norman didn’t wake up when Helena and Paul appeared. Helena looked like she’d been crying, but she was calmer now. She told Lea that the doctor had reassured them that Mingus’ prospects were excellent.

Lea, Helena and Paul didn’t talk much after that. They had little on their mind except Mingus, and Lea was also grateful that the others tried to give Norman some quiet so he could rest. She kept stroking Norman’s head, carding her hand through his slightly sweaty hair when he shifted restlessly or sighed with discomfort. She still worried the Lioresal had been too late and that he’d be properly sick. But for once that didn’t happen.

She watched the other couple as they comforted each other, her heart heavy for Helena. Even though she was now nearing 50 Mingus’ mother was still exquisitely beautiful, with fine features and a slender, graceful figure. Now, however, she looked tired and wan. A mother desperately worried for her sick child, like Lea had seen hundreds of times.

The nurse brought more coffee, and sandwiches too. Lea had a feeling that the woman had realized who she had on her ward that night, and wanted to make a good impression.

Nobody touched the food, but Norman woke up from the smell of the coffee and revived a little as he started drinking his. He still looked very pale, and his hands cradling the mug were shaking. When he’d finished Lea took the mug from him.

“Lie back down, honey. It’ll be hours yet. I wish you’d let me get you some Diazepam…”

But she knew he’d refuse. He did however curl up again on the sofa, hiding his face against her body. Helena gave Lea a worried look. She seemed keen to ask what was going on with Norman, but she couldn’t quite bring herself to do it. Lea wondered how much Helena knew about recent events in Norman’s life.

After almost five hours the surgeon finally came to them. Lea noticed right away that he was smiling.

“Everything went extremely well,” he said as soon as Norman had pulled himself to sitting and was fully focused. “Mingus will have a long recovery, and we won’t know for sure whether there’s going to be any long term damage until he wakes up. But all preliminary tests show that any deficit will be minor.”

Helena was already on the way to the door. “We can see him?”

The doctor smiled more widely and held the door open for her.

“Of course.”

Lea helped Norman to his feet, and he gripped her hand hard. He was steadier now when they slowly followed Helena and Paul, but Lea knew he was running on fumes.

Mingus looked tiny in the big hospital bed. His naturally light skin looked translucent, and he seemed younger than ever. Lea thought that unconscious he looked even more angelic. Connected to a vent and an array of beeping machines the boy seemed totally otherworldly to her.

As soon as they got into the room Norman let go of Lea and, supporting himself against the bed, made for the unoccupied chair opposite the one Helena was already sitting in. He dropped down hard and took his son’s hand.

“Oh, buddy…”

Norman’s voice was a hoarse whisper, and Lea could see tears running down his face. Helena looked up when he spoke, and their eyes met.

“’m so sorry,” he whispered, “’m a terrible dad…”

There were many emotions warring on Helena’s face, the instinct of a mother to shout and yell warring with the more reasonable part of her brain. Finally, Helena reached across her son’s prone body and closed her hand over Norman’s where he held on to Mingus.

“You’re not a terrible dad. You didn’t do this, it’s not on you. He gets up to this nonsense just as much when he’s with me…” She studied his face and her brow creased in worry. “Norman, you look terrible. You need to get some proper sleep. Go home with Lea, then come back tonight. I’ll stay here for the day…”

Norman looked around at the doctor, then at Lea, who walked around to his side as the doctor spoke. “If anything at all changes we’ll call you right away. That’s a promise…”

Lea put her arm around Norman’s shoulder and he leaned against her heavily. “You’re ready to fall down, you need to rest. Mingus will need you to be well when he wakes up.”

“Ok.”

It was a tiny whisper, and it made it evident just how done in Norman was. Lea hugged him to herself tightly for a moment, then supported him as he pushed himself to his feet.

They took their leave quickly, Norman stroking Mingus’ face gently for a moment and Lea shaking both Helena’s and Paul’s hand. Then they walked through the quiet corridors toward the lift.

The ER was in the middle of the change from night to day shift, and the waiting area was filling up as they retraced their steps toward the exit. As Lea had expected there were plenty of taxis waiting just outside the ER. They climbed into the back of the first one.

As the driver wended his way into the rush hour just starting to form in the streets Norman turned around to Lea. They hadn’t said anything since leaving the sick room. His tired eyes were full of gratitude again.

“I don’t deserve you, y’know. But ’m glad I got you, anyway…”

There were so many things Lea wanted to say, and she would say them, soon. But for now she just moved close and nestled into Norman’s arms which he wrapped around her tightly.

The city was slowly waking up outside, getting ready for another busy day. Their day, their next few weeks, would be busy, too, Lea knew. It would be exhausting, frustrating, and difficult.

But Lea had made her choice. This was what she wanted, where she belonged.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I loved writing this story, and I don't want this to be the end. So who knows, there might be more one day...;)


End file.
